Superstar!

Last weekend, the Stay At Home Mommies group I am a member of did a ladies night out. I had an absolute blast! We did kareoke and I sang twice. Man I have missed performing. I did Shania Twain's From this Moment; and also Janis Joplins' Piece of my Heart. I even got a standing ovation on the last one! It was so much fun. I am glad to have a group to hang out with again, the ladies are so nice and it is great to have a group of ladies who know what it is to be a stay at home mommy.

Here is the group shot, I am on the upper left. Until next time! Enjoy life and do things that scare the shit out of you, it only makes you stronger!

So I suck at updating...

Hey there, how are yah everyone? I am doing ok. The whole uterus thing is worked out and is in tip top uterine shape. The only issue now, is that I have one hell of a bladder infection. What the hell?! Come on body, get to work here.

Other than that, things are going great. The Man loves his job, Dylan loves his teachers and I am feeling ok. I have never been a sickly person, but ever since I had my son, I get the weirdest problems. Anywho...

I really have nothing to write about, I have experienced Bloggers Block. I am currently reading a bunch. I am a word-a-holic. I love to read, and I can go through books like anything. I have recently read Black Rose by Nora Roberts. Origin in Death by J.D. Robb, and Brisignr by Chris Paolini. I get in these cycles where I can't get enough books. I mean I am even reading the back of shampoo bottles in the shower. It is insane.

So anyone have any good books I should look into? Let me know! Love yah all!

Flight of the Butterfly...

It is fall, my second most favorite season. Spring is the first, when the world comes to life, but Fall has that special place in my heart as being almost as beautiful. The monarch butterfly is one of the main reasons I love fall so much. Living here in Texas, I get a front row seat to the annual Monarch butterfly migration. They come through this area on their way to Mexico. I can sit outside and view these beautiful guys fluttering over my yard. I can count them by the hundreds if I sat there long enough. The fly hundreds of miles to get to their mating grounds. It is amazing that these little bugs, can travel as far as they do, following the sun.

The reason I am blogging about them, is because in my life, my growth has resembled a butterflies. I was born, a little egg, on the leaf of the world. Forming into a caterpillar.


My whole childhood was of growing and eating, gathering as much knowledge as I could. I ate knowledge like a caterpillar eats leaves. I grew and grew until my body was taunt and rolly-polly.

There comes to my teenage years. I formed my chrysallis. My cocoon. I became a recluse, rolled into my hard shell, unable to cope with the world. Life almost seemed to pass me by, but I was growing and changing, turning myself into something beautiful.

Then the shell cracked. I met my husband, had my son and we moved to Texas. The shell was broken and I emerged. An adult, I never though I would acutally think of myself as an adult, but now I do. I am a mother, a friend and a wife. I am very happy, to tell you the truth. I have a goal in life, I have a purpose. No longer am I in my shell of self-doubt and loathing. I love myself and everything about me. I love The Man and my beautiful son. He is the caterpillar now, eating and soaking up the knowledge he will need in life. And I will be his leaf. One day, I will see him become a beautiful butterfly.

My flight has left me changed, a wonderous person. My life is a good one. This butterfly has found home.

***Warning Whiney Blog Post Incoming***

Oh boy. Ok, I am happy I really am. I had the sonogram on my uterus today and everything looked fine. I have been losing weight, and am relatively in the best shape I have been in, in two years. We have a house, a car, a motorcycle and two awesome cats. The Man loves his job and Dylan is getting three classes a week for his therapy.

This is the part where I whine.

The Man, is trying to quit again.... again. He blames me for making him start up again after a week of not having a cigarette. He wanted to quit, I didn't, so I started back up again. Then he started also. He BLAMED ME. I mean come on... seriously. Uhg. He is also going through this depression type thing, where he hates everything, and is in no mood to socialize or go out and do things.

Yes we are broke at the moment, yes, we have debt, yes we just moved to a new place and do not know anyone. But, honestly, he doesn't try. I have recently joined a stay at home mother's group. I went to a tastefully simple party last Thursday and met this really cool chick named Shannon.

This is a big thing for me, I am craving friends and attention. She is coming over tomorrow with her two year old and her puppy to hang out and socialize. The Man told me to tell her that he isn't here and not to bother him. He doesn't and I quote, " Want to have to act charming and fake for company." Wow. He is on 'vacation' right now from work, he took Monday thru Wednesday off. I am finally getting out of the clam shell I have been in since High School and he is not even supporting me at all.

All he does is surf on the Internet, watch football, mope and veg. He does do things around the house, don't get me wrong. We made an agreement when we had Dylan, that I would be Susie Homemaker and he would be the breadwinner. I am fine with this. I honestly am. But after I have been home with Dylan all day, I kinda hope that he would come home to play with him and pay a lot of attention to him. But he kinda does and then goes to do his own thing.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think we were ready for kids when we got pregnant. I know personally, that I am too selfish with my time, to spend it with Dylan every second of the day. The Man is the same way, but he is an amazing father when he actually spends time with Dylan. Man this whole thing is making him seem horrible, but he is not, it's just a phase he has been going through, a slump. I wish he would come out of it.

Ok back to Dylan. I love my son more than anything, I really do, but with his Autism, I am expected to be super-uber Mom and be his primary teacher.

On to my second rant/whine topic. My son. God love him but I am going crazy. I am a smart woman, book smart and scientist smart. But when it comes to giving primary attention to a distant, autistic 2 year old who does not know how to communicate I am lost. I am not the teacher type. I always got along better with older people who I could actually hold a conversation with. With Dylan, I have to anticipate his every need, try to teach him the basics of everything in life, how to be human basically. He does not know how to talk, get what he wants, or communicate in any matter. I am stuck doing a guessing game all day... ALL FRIGGIN DAY. And when The Man comes home it is worse, because I swear that man expects me to read his mind.

I am not a bad mother, but I am not the mother I could be and should be for my son. I know that no ones ever asks for this, this challenge, but dammit, why me? I am a selfish brat, at 27. I feel like that sulking teenager who pouts whenever she cannot get what she wants. I want a normal damn son. I want to know what he is thinking. I want to know that he loves me, and enjoys being around me instead of having people tell me he feels these things. I want to take him to the park to play, not have him wander around, and then try to eat a leaf or the dirt.

The other day, Dylan was in the backyard with me while I was raking the grass clippings up. Well I didn't know it, but he was standing in a fire ant mound. The Man happened to come up to him at that time and noticed them crawling all over his hands. We both dashed inside and threw him in the shower to wash them off, and Dylan was oblivious the whole time.

Fire ants fucking hurt, I know this from experience. He didn't utter a peep. Not a tear, not a cry or whine. Nothing. This shook me to the core. My son doesn't feel pain. Does he feel anything else? Like love? I know when he is happy, because he smiles and he laughs. He likes to climb all over us and run. But what else is missing from him. No pain... no what? I was so scared. I still am scared.

Honesty, I don't ever see my son progressing to be a full social self-sufficient adult. This scares me more than anything. His mental and physical capability right now is at the 5- 7 month and 1 year old levels respectively. He is 2 years, 3 months old and still acts like a 5-7 month old...

What did I do to make this happen? I know I didn't do anything, but you ask yourself that question a lot, especially after diagnosis. I hate going around and seeing happy people, and even unhappy people with perfectly normal children and I growl internally. I joined this mothers group for me really. The time to hang around other adults who are just as crazy as I am, and their children. I know Dylan will ignore the other kids, he always does.

Another thing that bothers me is his therapy. I really don't think it is helping at all. After his three 45 minute sessions a week, The Man and I are expected to do all that they have done, 24/7. Even the most persistent parent can keep it up. I feel totally guilty that I don't do everything they suggest. I mean.. I am scared that if I don't, Dylan will be stuck growing up with the mind of an infant, and it will be all my fault. With such a tender and fragile psyche as mine, I don't need that looming over my head.

I also miss the hell out of my family. My parents, The Man's parents even cousins and uncles and aunts and friends. I need help dammit, I really do. I can't do this alone. I am being expected to, and I can't. Most days it takes all I have not to smash my forehead against the wall in frustration. I am lonely and I need help with my own little family. Does that make me a failure as an adult? Make me lazy and selfish and immature? I am a 27 year old mother of a special needs son and a moody husband, I have no close friends here or family even in this state.

Well, I don't know if this post was even worth writing, or just something I should delete. I don't feel sorry for myself. I will pick up and move on with the everyday. I just need some serendipity. Something that will let me know that I am alright, doing good, a good Mom and wife and friend and everything will be fine. Just one sign. Or a ton of signs. A big ass mack truck of signs.

Did this make me feel better? Maybe, it sure as hell made me put things into perspective. I can't be comedy and smiley roses all the time.

I'll save that for my next post.

An Icepick to the Gut....

The pain... good God, the pain is getting unbearable. My uterus is screaming at the top of it's little lungs and my ovaries are thumping and kicking their little legs like a two year old in a full blown tantrum. My whole midsection is a writhing bowl of angry-ness. It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, doing anything. The housework is getting nuts. I am so far behind. The progesterone that I am taking {the hormone that starts a females period}, I am on day 7 now, is just making it worse. MY abdomin is so tight right now, it is like a drum. Well, a drum that has a layer of blubber from a past pregnancy, but you get the gist.

To top this all off, I got Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, I downloaded the game, ok peachy, and now the patcher doesn't work. JOY! So I am stuck downloading something, on a Torrent, that has about oh.... 26 hours left over.

GAH! Ok I know I don't make sense. I have a sonogram set up for Monday. And if I don't start by then, there is something really wrong. Like I said before I am on day 7 of 10 days of pills. Usually people start by day 3 or 4. I need happy thoughts people!

I am about to tell the doc just to yank all my shit out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Ye Olde 99 Questions

1-*What is your full name? Jessica Alynn Mclain

2-*Your birth date: February 10, 1981

3-*What color is your hair? Is it short, medium or long?

4-*What color are your eyes? Light Brown, I call em amber colored

5-*How tall are you? 5 foot 1 inch, I am a giant midget

6-*Single or Taken? Married!

7*Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind? I have two cats currently. Cheyanne and Misty

8*Who do you live with? My husband, son and the cats/

9*What do you do for school and work? I am a stay at home mommy, plan on getting my degree in Veterinary Tech.

10*Any kids? If not, do you want any? One boy, Dylan aged two.

11*What music do you listen to the most? Things like Lacuna Coil and Evanescence.

12*Do you like to read? If so...favorite book(s)? Love Laurell K Hamilton and other Gothic Romance

13*Virgin or not? Think about this one, I am not the virgin Mary, and I have a son.

14*Name your 3 closest friends. Sean, Erin and my Mother

15*Which one is your very best friend? Sean, my husband.

16*Your skin...is it fair, medium or dark? Fair to Medium, I can tan well, when I keep up with it.

17*How often do you really "go out"? Not often enough.

18*Have you ever lost anyone you loved? I lost my family in the mall one time, it scared the shit out of me.

19*Ever been in love? Real love... once... Emo love... many times.

20*On a scale of 1-5 how organized are you? 1.5

21*Do you exercise regularly? If so, how often? I mow the lawn, that is my exercise, and I also chase a two year old all day.

22*Zodiac sign? Aquarius

23*Have any nick names? If so, what? Jess and Jessie, my online nickname is Mama Mclain

24*Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot. Myth Busters, and Dirty Jobs, I also love Iron Chef.

25*Movie(s) you can watch over and over: Anything from Pixar

26*Do you have tattoos? If yes, how many and where are they? I have three currently. My tummy on the left side, my left shoulder blade and the tramp stamp.

27*Any piercings? If yes, how many and where are they? Nose, and Ears in three places each.

28*Wear glasses? All the time, can't stand the thought of contacts.

29*Have braces? I did in high school, can never tell now, my teeth are stubborn.

30*Do you have siblings? If so, how many? One brother, he is three years younger.

31*Are your parents still together? Very much so.

32*What is/was your worst subject in school? Math... I hate math.

33*Your best subject? English or Science.

34*Do you currently play any sports? If so, what? Full Contact Mothering

35*Do you like to dance? Yes when no one is really watching.

36*Sing? All the time.

37*Favorite color? I love em all for different reasons.

38*Favorite Holiday? Thanksgiving

39*Where, outside of the U.S. would you like to visit? Back to Europe, I love it there. I lived in Germany for 7 years.

40*Do people tell you that you act older, younger, or your age? Older, I act older and look like I am still in high school.

41*Ever have an imaginary friend as a child? I cried the day he left me.

42*Ever been skinny dipping? Yup... heh.

43*Did/Do you enjoy high school for the most part? Not really.

44*Drink? If yes, how often? Not often at all, my husband doesn't at all, and I do rarely.

45*Smoke? Oh yea.

46*Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with? When I was 8 I beat up a 14 year old boy, kicked him in the nuts!

47*Have you ever cheated in a relationship? Never.

48*What's your definition of cheating? Holding hands, kissing, doing it. I am strict.

49*Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house? I wore pajama pants to the grocery store once, felt like an ass.

50*Have you ever stolen anything from a store or from someone? Nope. I am an angel.

51*Ever cheated on a test? Unfortunately my angel status only goes so far.

52*Ever been in any legal trouble? Newp

53*Do you regret anything? I regret constantly, intelligent people do. Also the depressed ones.

54*Name 5 of the most important things in your life. My son, my husband, my house, my sanity {what little there is left}, my health and my computer.

55*How many languages can you speak and what are they? Um, Proper English and Hick.

56*Are you a touchy feely person? With people I know.

57*Do you take showers in the morning or at night more? Both, I love to be clean. But when I can't get around to it, usually the afternoon.

58*Do you trust easily? Unfortunately. But FORTUNATELY life has taught me better.

59*Any phobias? I hate heights and scorpions.

60*Are you a heavy or light sleeper? Depends on when I get to sleep.

61*When did you make your face book profile? About 3 months ago.

62*Any disorders you've actually been diagnosed with (O.C.D., A.D.D...)? Chemical Depression and AA DD.

63*Are you a morning person? Sometimes, depends on the coffee consumption.

64*Sunrise or sunset? Sunset.

65*Ever had surgery? Breast Reduction and a C-Section.

66*Ever come close to death? When I was pregnant, I hovered constantly.

67*Ever broken any bones? My nose and a few fingers. Also my forearm.

68*When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated? I am undecided really.

69*Play any instruments? If so, what? Flute, Baritone and um.. yea.

70*Have you been told you can sing well more than once? Yup, got the medals to prove it.

71*3 physical features you get complimented on a lot: My hair, my eyes and my mouth.

72*Your least favorite feature: My weight.

73*Clothing store you shop at the most: Sadly to say, Wal-Mart.

74*What is/are your heritage(s)? Irish, German, Polish and Indian. You'd think I would drink more.

75*What is your religion or do you not really have one? I am a Wicca-Christian

76*Ever been cheated on? Yes.

77*Ever had a one night stand? If so, how many and do you regret any of them? A lady never tells.

78*Current friend that you have known the longest: Erin Messer

79*Name someone you can tell just about anything to. My husband.

80*Sweet or Sour? Candy, sour. Food, sour. Dessert, sweet.

81*Where were you born? Fort Benning, GA

82*Do any of your close friends have children? Nope

83*Are any of them married? A couple of them.

84*Have you ever taken any antidepressants or anxiety medication? Both, every day for the last 7 years.

85*Ever seen a therapist? Yea, they are ok I guess.

86*Did/do you transfer schools a lot? Yes, I grew up an army brat.

87*Favorite animal to have as a pet: Dogs and Horses

88*How many floors does your home have? How many bedrooms and bathrooms? One floor, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms.

89*Do you live in a neighborhood or in the middle of nowhere? A neighborhood, which is awesome.

90*Favorite food: Anything Asian, specially sushi and exotic things. And Soul food.

91*Do you like to shop? For the house. For myself? No, I can't stand clothes shopping.

92*How often do you go online? All the time.

93*How sexual are you on a scale of 1-10? 7.

94*Something or someone you miss the most from childhood: Being close to my family.

95*Have you ever slept with someone 10 years or more older than you? Newp.

96*Over 10 years younger? Newp.

97*Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early, when it comes to appointments and dates.

98*Are you happy with your life for the most part right now? Very very very. Except for the being overweight, and broke.

99*Explain your personality. I am very laid back, but very sporadic. If I want something I want it now. Impatient and artistic.

I Am Teh Geek

I have been playing online role playing games for a few years now. Actually if I think real hard, which I really try not to do, I have been playing since 2004. I would not call myself an uber gamer. I have met some people online who have played for years and years, and it is all they do, they even met their spouse online by gaming. There will be raids that are done and dungeons that are run through right when they come out, as soon as a game is updated. You gotta get the gear! Those pixels are important! I almost fell into the trap of being one of these people, with World of Warcraft.

Oh WoW, how I loved thee. I'd still love thee if I were still playing. I played in the same guild for just about two years. The Fifth Horizon. These people were awesome, and still are, I am sure. I played on the Blackwater Raiders server, horde side. My main characters' name was Keliss. Oh my orc hunter, how I rocked thee. I was getting super good, playing all day and night, getting the awesome gear, and then I realized, oh snap. My life is going to crap! So I stopped playing WoW, and started to look for other games.

I played Lord of the Rings online, City of Heroes, tried the trials for Evercrack 2, I mean Everquest and Dungeons and Dragons online, I also tried a few free online games. Then I found Age of Conan to be addictive for the first oh, month. I am still looking for the perfect game. One rich with lore and fantasy. One with awesome graphics, easy to follow game play and great quests. One with lovable classes and races, and with super beautiful gear. I have yet to find one that interests me the way WoW did.

Man if I could create a game, it would be thrilling. I dream about this game, I am serious. It would be set in a modernish day, with many different classes and races. Everything from fairies, dwarves, elves and the such. To the boring humans, vampires and were-creatures. The quests would be well written and intriguing. The graphics to die for. The customer service, impeccable.

But alas, the United States and even the Asian countries have failed to produce a game like this, so I am still waiting. It kind of made me sad, Age of Conan was so hyped and it really was awesome for the first oh, say 20 levels. After that, the quests were interesting, but the crafting and PvP systems were crap. The gorgeous graphics could not make up for it.

I have heard that Warhammer is doing well, it came out this last week. The Man almost vehemently refuses to buy me another game though, because recently I got Spore (which I am loving) and Fable the Lost Chapters, which I haven't played since we got to Texas.

I want a new MMORPG, dammit, once I can immerse myself in, that is beautiful, easy to understand and with depth, is that too much to ask? I guess so, but damn I want it now.

Of course, if I had my way, my monthly gaming fees would be around 100 bucks. I hate the pay by month thing, but these guys gotta make their money somehow. The Man hates the game cards and the subscription fees, I understand, after buying the game, you shouldn't have to pay for it to play it. Guild Wars, which I also tried was like this. I can see 5 bucks a month, but 15.99? Christ that stinks.

Oh well, I have Spore and the Perfect World right now. Spore is great, but it needs some more depth, they left out some things that were supposed to come in the game. But this is also Maxis we are talking about, the creators of the Sims, the games of a zillion expansions which you have to pay for. Perfect World is a free game out of China. The game is pretty, but.. but... I can't understand have the quests. It IS translated, loosely. Like someone just put the text in Babble fish and let it ride.

Well, I am going to zone in a game, ttys!