So..... Hi there..... Again...

Hey everyone!

I decided that I am going to get back into this whole blogging thing. I have been keeping up with a few other blogs, the IBKC, *the itty bitty kitty commitee* and The Pitter Pats of Baby Cats


Both of the website are about families who foster kittens to be adopted out to wonderful people in the Tacoma/Seattle WA area. The photos are excellent and the stories are heartwarming.

I'll be back soon with an up-date on The Mama and the Men.

Love you all!

Mamamclain

This is the end,,,

Well folks. I am done I think. I have nothing to blog about, nothing but the same old shit. I have nothing but Drama Llama things to say and I have hardly any readers. It took me about 2 weeks to get a comment on my last post... so this is it.

I have other avenues for therapy, and I will keep up with everyone else. To the people who did read my blog, thank you. It gave me a breath of life outside my little world, and you made me feel important. So I am going to keep the blog up, in case I ever feel like posting again.

I love you all, and hopefully, I won't never blog again, but it will be a while.

Peas out, and much love.

Mama Mclain

I'm Still Alive.. and Still Here...

Greeting my few readers. Hey how the hell are you? I have been busy, and un-busy. Leading the charming and somewhat mind boggling-ly slow life of the house mommy.

I have to admit, I have been lazy. With just about everything lazy. You ever have that time in your life where you just want to do nothing? I mean absolutely not a damn thing? Yea that is all me right now. I pretty much float through the day, taking care of Dylan and just basically vegging.

Around two weeks ago, both the little man and I had the stomach flu. I was up for 24 hours having nasty crap come out of both ends. Joygasm, lemme tell you. I still haven't been able to touch red meat. The last meal I had before praying ferverantly to the porcaline goddes was a big ol juicy honking steak. So yea, I am avoiding beef like the plaugue. I have been eating Malt-o-meal and oatmeal pretty much non-stop since.

Good news out of this though, I am down to 180 lbs! When we moved here I was 205, no lie, so since August, I have lost 25 lbs. OF course I have no idea where I am losing it from. I still look the same. My britches are a little more baggy, and I think that is about it.

OK so what else... oh yea Yaz. I am on the birth control product called Yaz. I guess it works, of course you have to be having sex to get pregnant, and I wouldn't know about any of that shit at the moment. The pill is also supposed to make your periods shorter and less painful. Ok, I have been on it for a month and a half, and in this time I have had an excruciating week long period, not the cute little 4 day one the package promises. It also hurt like hell.

It is also supposed to help clear your skin... HAhaha HAHAHAHAAaaaaa. *insert Joker-esk laugh here* OK so it is making my pores smaller. This is good. But as a chic who has had a problem with bacterial cystic acne for much of her life, it isn't working too well. The pores are smaller as I said, but the crap that is trapped usually in my Gi-NORMOUS pores are now being squeezed into itty bitty pores. Thus making me break out. My face is the Sierra Nevada's and my back the Rocky Mountains.

OK I know you all didn't want to read about me complaining about my health like a Jewish Yenta, so this is the good stuff. Dylan has become a little leech. WHile this may sound back, it isn't. Autistic young-uns usually won't notice anyone outside of their little world, and Dylan has finally got the seperation anxiety that most 8 month olds go through.

I am so damned happy about this, he demands, in his own little way, kisses and hugs and cuddles, and best of all he gives them back. Sometimes out of no where, he will walk up to me and hug my leg. This makes me so positive about how far into the Autistic spectrum he really is. Maybe his prognosis isn't as bad as we origionally thought. YEAY!

Oh, oh oh, I forgot, I have already put up christmas decorations. Yea I know I am a putz, but dammit, I am doing this season right this time around. I don't get my tree until today, but the house smells of Evergreen Glade candles and there are ornaments and stockings hung with care over the fireplace. The Man's father died when he was 11, 3 days before christmas. So he never has gotten into the spirit. But dammit if this year if I haven't heard him singing Christmas carols to Dylan. Yeay again!

For presents this year, I am making everyone homemade christmas ornaments. They are so easy, and acutally pretty cheap to make. I love being artistic and this is a great outlet.

My parents are coming to our house this year for Thanksgiving. I am thrilled! Although I am nervous as hell about having them here, and that I have to cook them The Turkey Dinner and all the trimmings, I know it will turn out right. Last year, I made the boys and I dinner and everything went perfectly, well except the stuffing, which turned out like a savory bread pudding. It was ewww. Very ewww. This year and last year are the first ever years that I have not been at my parents house for Thanksgiving. Last year it was so odd. My parents went to my Gandmothers house in Palm Spring, California. They had a miserable time. So this year, I am doing it right dammit.

Back to my laziness I wrote about earlier in the post. Yea, I totally need to get up off my ass and do somemore around the house. Every day I clean the kitchen and take care of Dylan, but.... that's about it. The place gets a little messy and I HATE HATE HATE doing laundry. It has been to cold for me to do lawn work, and the grass isn't growing anyway, so I don't have my excuse of doing outside work instead of inside work.

I hate using the excuse of having a special needs son, and that doesn't allow me time to do things around the house, but it is a lie. I have plenty of time. Dylan is so patient and willing to just be around me, that I could totally clean house every day if I wanted to. The problem is, that I don't get off my lazy ass to do it.

Oh yea, I also look like a bag lady half the time. No make-up, hair in a midget ponytail, and sweats and a t-shirt. I am da sexy bitch, what what? Yea right, like I said I look like a bag lady. It urks the shit out of me that I don't seem to give a damn, it is almost as if there are two of me. The doer and the non-doer. The doer looks down on the non-doer, but the lazy fanny non-doer seems to win.

Whenever The Man comes home from work and I have done my house-wifely duty, i.e. clean stuff other than the kitchen. He jokes and says," Who are you and what did you do with Jessica?" Oh yea, this bothers the crap out of me. He also puts in little jibs about how messy the place is. I want to tell him, " You have not seen messy, buck-o, some houses with kids looks like a tornado hit it."

But yea, that is what is going on right now. In a rather large and unglorious nutshell. I pray daily for guidance and for the energy to get through my day. I am always so tired and blech. I need a spa day and a friggin mental enima. Yea that's it.

Halloween and Me...

I dressed up... I passed out candy and I had a blast! This is my costume... I was a Shadow Priestess from World of Warcraft. I know Lame... but I dug it, and it took me like 5 minutes.


You can see The Man taking the picture in the mirror behind me. I wuv him... also Dylan had a Skelly shirt!

Hehe... Boobees

What did you think you were going to see?

Ode to My Coffee Maker and Coffee and My Son and Kitties...

Oh Coffee Maker, how I love thee. At night before my rest, I fill thy well with water. I replace thy filter, and fill it with the grounds of goodness ( i.e. Hazlenut Creme Folgers Gourmet). In the morning, whilst I stumble around, I turn on thy button, and life stirs.

After mine shower, I run to you and pour thy coffee goodness into mine cup. I add the Splenda, the skim milk and the dash of Nestle Quik chocolate mix. I stir with all of mine heart and I take a sip.

The Gods sing and the angels dance. It is like purest heaven flowing down my throat.

OK ENOUGH OF THAT. But seriously, without the coffee, I would be a zombie drone in the morning, and my poor son would never be let out of his crib.

Speaking of Dylan, he is such a charmer in the morning! Ever the morning person (damn him), I open his door and I say, " Goodmorning Dylan!" If he is not standing already, he pops up and shrieks in happiness. I walk over to his crib and hold my arms out for a hug. He grins widely and runs into my arms for a chest breaking hug. I lift him out and change his diaper, I usually have a bottle of warm milk ready for him, it's his favorite.

He giggles and shrieks and makes all kinds of happy noises. Man I love him so much.

Oh and Kitties! Poor Cheyanne and Misty are just never going to get along. But dammit if I don't love them both. Misty slept on my chest last night while I was on the couch. ( Don't ask... *sigh*) She is such the sweet baby. I am so glad God placed her in our lives. Even The Man is favoring her.

OK laters folks, I got a pot of coffee to finish in a hour.

Baby Blues...

I think I am going crazy. All I have been thinking about lately, is having another baby. I want to be pregnant, I want to have that little life inside of me. I want Dylan to have a little brother or sister. This is insane thinking.

My last pregnancy was miserable, the first 5 months were swell! No morning sickness, nothing. I felt awesome. Then the ball dropped. I got gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia and Dylan tried to come out at only 6 months cook time. I was in the hospital off an on for 4 months. Total hospital time? 3 weeks. That is three weeks, laying on a hospital bed, and being miserable. I was put on bed rest and I couldn't stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time, otherwise my blood pressure could spike and it would have killed both Dylan and I. Not to mention the 70 pounds that I gained while pregnant. Scary scary.

But why the hell do I want another one, when there is over a 50% chance that would happen all again? Not to mention the Autism that Dylan has. There is a good chance the baby would be autistic too.

But dammit, I want another one. I want to see another child from The Man and I. I don't know why. I think my biological alarm clock is going off big time, like playing some loud music right in my ear, telling me my hormones are ready for another bundle of joy.

ACK! I have no idea what to do. Seriously. The Man does not want me to go through that shit again, he loves me so much. He does not want to lose me. I kind of brought it up to him and he looked at me like I was on crack.

Maybe the Splenda I am using is giving me hallucinations. Hell if I know. I can't talk to my Mom about it, because then she would pressure us into it. And his Mom... wait maybe I can talk to her. We'll see.

Superstar!

Last weekend, the Stay At Home Mommies group I am a member of did a ladies night out. I had an absolute blast! We did kareoke and I sang twice. Man I have missed performing. I did Shania Twain's From this Moment; and also Janis Joplins' Piece of my Heart. I even got a standing ovation on the last one! It was so much fun. I am glad to have a group to hang out with again, the ladies are so nice and it is great to have a group of ladies who know what it is to be a stay at home mommy.

Here is the group shot, I am on the upper left. Until next time! Enjoy life and do things that scare the shit out of you, it only makes you stronger!

So I suck at updating...

Hey there, how are yah everyone? I am doing ok. The whole uterus thing is worked out and is in tip top uterine shape. The only issue now, is that I have one hell of a bladder infection. What the hell?! Come on body, get to work here.

Other than that, things are going great. The Man loves his job, Dylan loves his teachers and I am feeling ok. I have never been a sickly person, but ever since I had my son, I get the weirdest problems. Anywho...

I really have nothing to write about, I have experienced Bloggers Block. I am currently reading a bunch. I am a word-a-holic. I love to read, and I can go through books like anything. I have recently read Black Rose by Nora Roberts. Origin in Death by J.D. Robb, and Brisignr by Chris Paolini. I get in these cycles where I can't get enough books. I mean I am even reading the back of shampoo bottles in the shower. It is insane.

So anyone have any good books I should look into? Let me know! Love yah all!

Flight of the Butterfly...

It is fall, my second most favorite season. Spring is the first, when the world comes to life, but Fall has that special place in my heart as being almost as beautiful. The monarch butterfly is one of the main reasons I love fall so much. Living here in Texas, I get a front row seat to the annual Monarch butterfly migration. They come through this area on their way to Mexico. I can sit outside and view these beautiful guys fluttering over my yard. I can count them by the hundreds if I sat there long enough. The fly hundreds of miles to get to their mating grounds. It is amazing that these little bugs, can travel as far as they do, following the sun.

The reason I am blogging about them, is because in my life, my growth has resembled a butterflies. I was born, a little egg, on the leaf of the world. Forming into a caterpillar.


My whole childhood was of growing and eating, gathering as much knowledge as I could. I ate knowledge like a caterpillar eats leaves. I grew and grew until my body was taunt and rolly-polly.

There comes to my teenage years. I formed my chrysallis. My cocoon. I became a recluse, rolled into my hard shell, unable to cope with the world. Life almost seemed to pass me by, but I was growing and changing, turning myself into something beautiful.

Then the shell cracked. I met my husband, had my son and we moved to Texas. The shell was broken and I emerged. An adult, I never though I would acutally think of myself as an adult, but now I do. I am a mother, a friend and a wife. I am very happy, to tell you the truth. I have a goal in life, I have a purpose. No longer am I in my shell of self-doubt and loathing. I love myself and everything about me. I love The Man and my beautiful son. He is the caterpillar now, eating and soaking up the knowledge he will need in life. And I will be his leaf. One day, I will see him become a beautiful butterfly.

My flight has left me changed, a wonderous person. My life is a good one. This butterfly has found home.

***Warning Whiney Blog Post Incoming***

Oh boy. Ok, I am happy I really am. I had the sonogram on my uterus today and everything looked fine. I have been losing weight, and am relatively in the best shape I have been in, in two years. We have a house, a car, a motorcycle and two awesome cats. The Man loves his job and Dylan is getting three classes a week for his therapy.

This is the part where I whine.

The Man, is trying to quit again.... again. He blames me for making him start up again after a week of not having a cigarette. He wanted to quit, I didn't, so I started back up again. Then he started also. He BLAMED ME. I mean come on... seriously. Uhg. He is also going through this depression type thing, where he hates everything, and is in no mood to socialize or go out and do things.

Yes we are broke at the moment, yes, we have debt, yes we just moved to a new place and do not know anyone. But, honestly, he doesn't try. I have recently joined a stay at home mother's group. I went to a tastefully simple party last Thursday and met this really cool chick named Shannon.

This is a big thing for me, I am craving friends and attention. She is coming over tomorrow with her two year old and her puppy to hang out and socialize. The Man told me to tell her that he isn't here and not to bother him. He doesn't and I quote, " Want to have to act charming and fake for company." Wow. He is on 'vacation' right now from work, he took Monday thru Wednesday off. I am finally getting out of the clam shell I have been in since High School and he is not even supporting me at all.

All he does is surf on the Internet, watch football, mope and veg. He does do things around the house, don't get me wrong. We made an agreement when we had Dylan, that I would be Susie Homemaker and he would be the breadwinner. I am fine with this. I honestly am. But after I have been home with Dylan all day, I kinda hope that he would come home to play with him and pay a lot of attention to him. But he kinda does and then goes to do his own thing.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think we were ready for kids when we got pregnant. I know personally, that I am too selfish with my time, to spend it with Dylan every second of the day. The Man is the same way, but he is an amazing father when he actually spends time with Dylan. Man this whole thing is making him seem horrible, but he is not, it's just a phase he has been going through, a slump. I wish he would come out of it.

Ok back to Dylan. I love my son more than anything, I really do, but with his Autism, I am expected to be super-uber Mom and be his primary teacher.

On to my second rant/whine topic. My son. God love him but I am going crazy. I am a smart woman, book smart and scientist smart. But when it comes to giving primary attention to a distant, autistic 2 year old who does not know how to communicate I am lost. I am not the teacher type. I always got along better with older people who I could actually hold a conversation with. With Dylan, I have to anticipate his every need, try to teach him the basics of everything in life, how to be human basically. He does not know how to talk, get what he wants, or communicate in any matter. I am stuck doing a guessing game all day... ALL FRIGGIN DAY. And when The Man comes home it is worse, because I swear that man expects me to read his mind.

I am not a bad mother, but I am not the mother I could be and should be for my son. I know that no ones ever asks for this, this challenge, but dammit, why me? I am a selfish brat, at 27. I feel like that sulking teenager who pouts whenever she cannot get what she wants. I want a normal damn son. I want to know what he is thinking. I want to know that he loves me, and enjoys being around me instead of having people tell me he feels these things. I want to take him to the park to play, not have him wander around, and then try to eat a leaf or the dirt.

The other day, Dylan was in the backyard with me while I was raking the grass clippings up. Well I didn't know it, but he was standing in a fire ant mound. The Man happened to come up to him at that time and noticed them crawling all over his hands. We both dashed inside and threw him in the shower to wash them off, and Dylan was oblivious the whole time.

Fire ants fucking hurt, I know this from experience. He didn't utter a peep. Not a tear, not a cry or whine. Nothing. This shook me to the core. My son doesn't feel pain. Does he feel anything else? Like love? I know when he is happy, because he smiles and he laughs. He likes to climb all over us and run. But what else is missing from him. No pain... no what? I was so scared. I still am scared.

Honesty, I don't ever see my son progressing to be a full social self-sufficient adult. This scares me more than anything. His mental and physical capability right now is at the 5- 7 month and 1 year old levels respectively. He is 2 years, 3 months old and still acts like a 5-7 month old...

What did I do to make this happen? I know I didn't do anything, but you ask yourself that question a lot, especially after diagnosis. I hate going around and seeing happy people, and even unhappy people with perfectly normal children and I growl internally. I joined this mothers group for me really. The time to hang around other adults who are just as crazy as I am, and their children. I know Dylan will ignore the other kids, he always does.

Another thing that bothers me is his therapy. I really don't think it is helping at all. After his three 45 minute sessions a week, The Man and I are expected to do all that they have done, 24/7. Even the most persistent parent can keep it up. I feel totally guilty that I don't do everything they suggest. I mean.. I am scared that if I don't, Dylan will be stuck growing up with the mind of an infant, and it will be all my fault. With such a tender and fragile psyche as mine, I don't need that looming over my head.

I also miss the hell out of my family. My parents, The Man's parents even cousins and uncles and aunts and friends. I need help dammit, I really do. I can't do this alone. I am being expected to, and I can't. Most days it takes all I have not to smash my forehead against the wall in frustration. I am lonely and I need help with my own little family. Does that make me a failure as an adult? Make me lazy and selfish and immature? I am a 27 year old mother of a special needs son and a moody husband, I have no close friends here or family even in this state.

Well, I don't know if this post was even worth writing, or just something I should delete. I don't feel sorry for myself. I will pick up and move on with the everyday. I just need some serendipity. Something that will let me know that I am alright, doing good, a good Mom and wife and friend and everything will be fine. Just one sign. Or a ton of signs. A big ass mack truck of signs.

Did this make me feel better? Maybe, it sure as hell made me put things into perspective. I can't be comedy and smiley roses all the time.

I'll save that for my next post.

An Icepick to the Gut....

The pain... good God, the pain is getting unbearable. My uterus is screaming at the top of it's little lungs and my ovaries are thumping and kicking their little legs like a two year old in a full blown tantrum. My whole midsection is a writhing bowl of angry-ness. It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, doing anything. The housework is getting nuts. I am so far behind. The progesterone that I am taking {the hormone that starts a females period}, I am on day 7 now, is just making it worse. MY abdomin is so tight right now, it is like a drum. Well, a drum that has a layer of blubber from a past pregnancy, but you get the gist.

To top this all off, I got Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, I downloaded the game, ok peachy, and now the patcher doesn't work. JOY! So I am stuck downloading something, on a Torrent, that has about oh.... 26 hours left over.

GAH! Ok I know I don't make sense. I have a sonogram set up for Monday. And if I don't start by then, there is something really wrong. Like I said before I am on day 7 of 10 days of pills. Usually people start by day 3 or 4. I need happy thoughts people!

I am about to tell the doc just to yank all my shit out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Ye Olde 99 Questions

1-*What is your full name? Jessica Alynn Mclain

2-*Your birth date: February 10, 1981

3-*What color is your hair? Is it short, medium or long?

4-*What color are your eyes? Light Brown, I call em amber colored

5-*How tall are you? 5 foot 1 inch, I am a giant midget

6-*Single or Taken? Married!

7*Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind? I have two cats currently. Cheyanne and Misty

8*Who do you live with? My husband, son and the cats/

9*What do you do for school and work? I am a stay at home mommy, plan on getting my degree in Veterinary Tech.

10*Any kids? If not, do you want any? One boy, Dylan aged two.

11*What music do you listen to the most? Things like Lacuna Coil and Evanescence.

12*Do you like to read? If so...favorite book(s)? Love Laurell K Hamilton and other Gothic Romance

13*Virgin or not? Think about this one, I am not the virgin Mary, and I have a son.

14*Name your 3 closest friends. Sean, Erin and my Mother

15*Which one is your very best friend? Sean, my husband.

16*Your skin...is it fair, medium or dark? Fair to Medium, I can tan well, when I keep up with it.

17*How often do you really "go out"? Not often enough.

18*Have you ever lost anyone you loved? I lost my family in the mall one time, it scared the shit out of me.

19*Ever been in love? Real love... once... Emo love... many times.

20*On a scale of 1-5 how organized are you? 1.5

21*Do you exercise regularly? If so, how often? I mow the lawn, that is my exercise, and I also chase a two year old all day.

22*Zodiac sign? Aquarius

23*Have any nick names? If so, what? Jess and Jessie, my online nickname is Mama Mclain

24*Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot. Myth Busters, and Dirty Jobs, I also love Iron Chef.

25*Movie(s) you can watch over and over: Anything from Pixar

26*Do you have tattoos? If yes, how many and where are they? I have three currently. My tummy on the left side, my left shoulder blade and the tramp stamp.

27*Any piercings? If yes, how many and where are they? Nose, and Ears in three places each.

28*Wear glasses? All the time, can't stand the thought of contacts.

29*Have braces? I did in high school, can never tell now, my teeth are stubborn.

30*Do you have siblings? If so, how many? One brother, he is three years younger.

31*Are your parents still together? Very much so.

32*What is/was your worst subject in school? Math... I hate math.

33*Your best subject? English or Science.

34*Do you currently play any sports? If so, what? Full Contact Mothering

35*Do you like to dance? Yes when no one is really watching.

36*Sing? All the time.

37*Favorite color? I love em all for different reasons.

38*Favorite Holiday? Thanksgiving

39*Where, outside of the U.S. would you like to visit? Back to Europe, I love it there. I lived in Germany for 7 years.

40*Do people tell you that you act older, younger, or your age? Older, I act older and look like I am still in high school.

41*Ever have an imaginary friend as a child? I cried the day he left me.

42*Ever been skinny dipping? Yup... heh.

43*Did/Do you enjoy high school for the most part? Not really.

44*Drink? If yes, how often? Not often at all, my husband doesn't at all, and I do rarely.

45*Smoke? Oh yea.

46*Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with? When I was 8 I beat up a 14 year old boy, kicked him in the nuts!

47*Have you ever cheated in a relationship? Never.

48*What's your definition of cheating? Holding hands, kissing, doing it. I am strict.

49*Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house? I wore pajama pants to the grocery store once, felt like an ass.

50*Have you ever stolen anything from a store or from someone? Nope. I am an angel.

51*Ever cheated on a test? Unfortunately my angel status only goes so far.

52*Ever been in any legal trouble? Newp

53*Do you regret anything? I regret constantly, intelligent people do. Also the depressed ones.

54*Name 5 of the most important things in your life. My son, my husband, my house, my sanity {what little there is left}, my health and my computer.

55*How many languages can you speak and what are they? Um, Proper English and Hick.

56*Are you a touchy feely person? With people I know.

57*Do you take showers in the morning or at night more? Both, I love to be clean. But when I can't get around to it, usually the afternoon.

58*Do you trust easily? Unfortunately. But FORTUNATELY life has taught me better.

59*Any phobias? I hate heights and scorpions.

60*Are you a heavy or light sleeper? Depends on when I get to sleep.

61*When did you make your face book profile? About 3 months ago.

62*Any disorders you've actually been diagnosed with (O.C.D., A.D.D...)? Chemical Depression and AA DD.

63*Are you a morning person? Sometimes, depends on the coffee consumption.

64*Sunrise or sunset? Sunset.

65*Ever had surgery? Breast Reduction and a C-Section.

66*Ever come close to death? When I was pregnant, I hovered constantly.

67*Ever broken any bones? My nose and a few fingers. Also my forearm.

68*When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated? I am undecided really.

69*Play any instruments? If so, what? Flute, Baritone and um.. yea.

70*Have you been told you can sing well more than once? Yup, got the medals to prove it.

71*3 physical features you get complimented on a lot: My hair, my eyes and my mouth.

72*Your least favorite feature: My weight.

73*Clothing store you shop at the most: Sadly to say, Wal-Mart.

74*What is/are your heritage(s)? Irish, German, Polish and Indian. You'd think I would drink more.

75*What is your religion or do you not really have one? I am a Wicca-Christian

76*Ever been cheated on? Yes.

77*Ever had a one night stand? If so, how many and do you regret any of them? A lady never tells.

78*Current friend that you have known the longest: Erin Messer

79*Name someone you can tell just about anything to. My husband.

80*Sweet or Sour? Candy, sour. Food, sour. Dessert, sweet.

81*Where were you born? Fort Benning, GA

82*Do any of your close friends have children? Nope

83*Are any of them married? A couple of them.

84*Have you ever taken any antidepressants or anxiety medication? Both, every day for the last 7 years.

85*Ever seen a therapist? Yea, they are ok I guess.

86*Did/do you transfer schools a lot? Yes, I grew up an army brat.

87*Favorite animal to have as a pet: Dogs and Horses

88*How many floors does your home have? How many bedrooms and bathrooms? One floor, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms.

89*Do you live in a neighborhood or in the middle of nowhere? A neighborhood, which is awesome.

90*Favorite food: Anything Asian, specially sushi and exotic things. And Soul food.

91*Do you like to shop? For the house. For myself? No, I can't stand clothes shopping.

92*How often do you go online? All the time.

93*How sexual are you on a scale of 1-10? 7.

94*Something or someone you miss the most from childhood: Being close to my family.

95*Have you ever slept with someone 10 years or more older than you? Newp.

96*Over 10 years younger? Newp.

97*Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early, when it comes to appointments and dates.

98*Are you happy with your life for the most part right now? Very very very. Except for the being overweight, and broke.

99*Explain your personality. I am very laid back, but very sporadic. If I want something I want it now. Impatient and artistic.

I Am Teh Geek

I have been playing online role playing games for a few years now. Actually if I think real hard, which I really try not to do, I have been playing since 2004. I would not call myself an uber gamer. I have met some people online who have played for years and years, and it is all they do, they even met their spouse online by gaming. There will be raids that are done and dungeons that are run through right when they come out, as soon as a game is updated. You gotta get the gear! Those pixels are important! I almost fell into the trap of being one of these people, with World of Warcraft.

Oh WoW, how I loved thee. I'd still love thee if I were still playing. I played in the same guild for just about two years. The Fifth Horizon. These people were awesome, and still are, I am sure. I played on the Blackwater Raiders server, horde side. My main characters' name was Keliss. Oh my orc hunter, how I rocked thee. I was getting super good, playing all day and night, getting the awesome gear, and then I realized, oh snap. My life is going to crap! So I stopped playing WoW, and started to look for other games.

I played Lord of the Rings online, City of Heroes, tried the trials for Evercrack 2, I mean Everquest and Dungeons and Dragons online, I also tried a few free online games. Then I found Age of Conan to be addictive for the first oh, month. I am still looking for the perfect game. One rich with lore and fantasy. One with awesome graphics, easy to follow game play and great quests. One with lovable classes and races, and with super beautiful gear. I have yet to find one that interests me the way WoW did.

Man if I could create a game, it would be thrilling. I dream about this game, I am serious. It would be set in a modernish day, with many different classes and races. Everything from fairies, dwarves, elves and the such. To the boring humans, vampires and were-creatures. The quests would be well written and intriguing. The graphics to die for. The customer service, impeccable.

But alas, the United States and even the Asian countries have failed to produce a game like this, so I am still waiting. It kind of made me sad, Age of Conan was so hyped and it really was awesome for the first oh, say 20 levels. After that, the quests were interesting, but the crafting and PvP systems were crap. The gorgeous graphics could not make up for it.

I have heard that Warhammer is doing well, it came out this last week. The Man almost vehemently refuses to buy me another game though, because recently I got Spore (which I am loving) and Fable the Lost Chapters, which I haven't played since we got to Texas.

I want a new MMORPG, dammit, once I can immerse myself in, that is beautiful, easy to understand and with depth, is that too much to ask? I guess so, but damn I want it now.

Of course, if I had my way, my monthly gaming fees would be around 100 bucks. I hate the pay by month thing, but these guys gotta make their money somehow. The Man hates the game cards and the subscription fees, I understand, after buying the game, you shouldn't have to pay for it to play it. Guild Wars, which I also tried was like this. I can see 5 bucks a month, but 15.99? Christ that stinks.

Oh well, I have Spore and the Perfect World right now. Spore is great, but it needs some more depth, they left out some things that were supposed to come in the game. But this is also Maxis we are talking about, the creators of the Sims, the games of a zillion expansions which you have to pay for. Perfect World is a free game out of China. The game is pretty, but.. but... I can't understand have the quests. It IS translated, loosely. Like someone just put the text in Babble fish and let it ride.

Well, I am going to zone in a game, ttys!

Foo Foo Foo...

My son isn't talking yet. This is no big deal, he is only 2 and he is Autistic. But some of the sounds he makes is adorable. He constantly babbles in D-bonics. His own little language, that he uses in his everyday world. Lots of Consonants followed by some vowels. His favorite so far is Foo foo foo. Or Voo voo voo if he is feeling saucy.

When he is asleep or not talking, The Man and I find ourselves talking to eachother in D-bonics. My favorite is his Ahh-hah noise. It is so adorable and I will make that sounds outta no where. My little man is growing and talking. Just nothing we can understand. He is abso-freaking adorable.

Hmm...

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday. She was awesome. I am loving this hospital. BUT... I didn't find out what was wrong. All hands are pointing to my uterus being a bitch. That, or I have a uterine cyst. Oh joygasm. I have an ultrasound on the 25th to see for sure. For now, I am being put on progestrine to kickstart my ol' aunt flo, and after 4 months of her being gone, it's going to be a nasty one. Once again, JOYGASM! So if any of you stop by for a visit, the men are all dead and the cats are crying, and when you open the door, the red sea comes flowing out, it's ok, the doctor made me!

ZOMG Happy!

Misty returned! My little one is back. After a week of being on hiatus, she is back. And I am not letting her go again. She is now officially a member of the Mclain household. Now, an adored house cat, free to laze around all day and sleep {which she has been doing}. Cheyanne and her are not exactly getting along, so Chey is sleeping in the bedroom, while Misty has the run of the house most of the day. But when Chey does get let out, they have hissing fits and little spats. This is way way normal for two female cats. They will get used to eachother. Misty even is using the catbox, and follows me around like a puppy when she is not snoozing.

On another note, I have been losing weight like it is going out of style. Well, to tell you the truth, I have only lost about 10 lbs, but my body is tightening and I feel gorgeous. Talk about something to kick you out of a depression. The Man has been going ga-ga over me, and I feel pretty damn good about it. After having Dylan, my body swelled to over 210 lbs. Now being 185, is a joy and a treat. I am still in size 18's, but I was able to wear The Man's Cowboy's jersey, which is a kids XL. It looks super fab on me. Yea, my hubby is that small. He just recently got three new pairs of jeans, which are all 32 inch waists. Grrr. Oh well, someday I will have The Man's girlish figure, you better believe it.

Fall is in the air. This morning the dew was frosty, and I have been able to wear jeans. Thank God, because my legs look like a scarred warzone. With jeans, not only do I get to show off my perfect J-lo butt, but I get to cover the battle wounds from the bugs.

I am in bliss. From last week, this is a 180 degree change. Maybe I am bi-polar. Meh, who knows, but all I know is that I feel good!

Well, except for the constant pain I am in. Don't worry, dear readers, I am going to get checked out, I think not having a period since May and cramping all the time and the fact that I am NOT pregnant is a little cause to worry. So Doctor's office here I come. Blech, I hate going to the docs. But if it makes me better I will be happier. I was checking online for my symptoms, and scarily enough, it sounds like a problem. Everything from early menopause to ovarian cancer grabbed my attention. I am NOT a hypocondriac, but damn, this is weird.

So wish me luck on getting an appointment soon. I hope I don't have to get my shit ripped out. That would suck. Specially since I have no one to take care of me if I have a surgery, because all my family is 8 hours away either direction. Pray for me. We'll see how it goes.

Therapy for the Soul

I love lawnwork. I mean almost crazy about it. Seeing a lawn that is in neglect puts me on edge. everytime I go to my parents house, I mow the lawn for them, for relaxation, and because of my obsessive compulsive nature.

To me it is therapy, a work out and meditation all in one. Let me explain.

Therapy, because I am actually doing something creative, constructive and motivational. When I see the finished product, it fills me with intense pride, and if I need to beat the shit out of something I weed, or chop something up.

A work out, because by the time I am complete, I am dripping sweet, and smell like an 80 year old man who forgets to put on his deoderant. Believe me I know what this smells like. It works my arms, my legs and I clench my tummy and butt while mowing. I glisten from a combination of sweat and sun. The tan is nice too.

Meditation. What do I think about when I mow, my life, and my past? Nope, a sense of inner peace comes over me, and my minds seems to drift and join with the earth, in a state of super karma. As I plant, I feel one with nature, as I feel I am helping her to achieve glory. You are working with the Mother, the one we all came from, our roots if you forgive the pun. I don't believe I am shaping it to my will, but allowing the plants to be at their most healthy and productive. Don't even get me started on veggies, being able to feed myself and my family, from things that I helped grow, is an amazing feeling. And when I am done, all of the stress and meloncholy I felt before has drifted away.

Lawnwork and gardening is therapy for the soul. A kind of Green Zen. Inner peace and self relaxation. Buddah, Mother Nature, and all the other guys would be proud.

Depression Rears it's Ugly Head

I have been on depression meds for about 7 years now. They have been working great! Don't get me wrong. But everyone once in a while, the chemicals in my brain decide to fight back. Chemical depression is they lay term of the disorder, meaning the brain has a unbalance of the happy chemicals to keep you sane. It's not the technical term of what I have, but my brain is fighting me right now, so I give you they lay term.

Yesterday, I waited until Dylan took his nap, and then I laid in bed all day. I slept, I cried and I just basically moped around. When the Man got home, I told him I had a stomach ache, {which was true} and he let me sleep the rest of the night. You would think after 18 hours of sleep, one would be rested and refreshed. Nope. I am more tired and bummed than I was before.

But Mama Mclain, you ask, why don't you go do something to make yourself feel better. WELL, I would, but it has been raining for the past two and a half days, so I can't do yardwork to make myself happy. I have been playing the video games that usually make me happy as well, and they haven't worked. I think the underlying problem is stress and boredom.

I am a housemom. This means I stay at home all day every day, and take damn good care of my son. This also means that I don't get to go out and socialize as much as I would like to. There in strikes the boredom. We only have one vehicle at the moment, because The Man cannot use his motorcycle on base to go back and forth to work. Once he gets the class out of the way {later on this month} I'll be able to go to that Mommies group I joined.

The stress is caused by The Man, we have been bickering and he has had some very very rough days at work, due to the class he is taking at the moment. How can I help his stress and calm him down when I am stressed myself? I dunno.

But Depression is striking it's ugly head, and you better be damned sure I am going to rear mine back at it. RAWR you stupid depression. I can totally see why some housemom's turn to drugs and alchohol. I would not for a million zillion dollars. But I can see why, it is the easy way out of being bored. Use something that gives you euphoria. That is the losers way, in my opinion. No offense to you out there who turn to it.

So, it is the hard grind of trying to bring myself out of the dregs here. Bear with me the next couple of days. I'll make it through. I just wish I had more friends out here. Well soon I will, soon. One can only hope, and pray and do whatever it is that happy people do. Maybe I'll go hug a tree or something.

Take Care Little One...

She is gone. Out of the blue, she just stopped coming around. Little Misty, our adopted alley kitty is gone. It's been a week since she has come around, her food bowls untouched by feline eating, it was emptied by a neighborhood possum.

I wrote about her miraculous appearance last month, how she looks so much like Brooklynn, our deceased cat. In the two days after I put a flea collar on her, she disappeared. The Man thinks that her owners saw the collar and decided to stop letting her out. She was so calm when I let her in the house, snoozing at my feet when I was on the computer. I think the humane society caught her. I saw one of their trucks roaming around the day before the left.

Well good and bad in a way. Bad, because I was this close to keeping her in the house. Good, because she can get a full time home. I am a true believer when it comes to the animal shelter. Yes they euthinize the animals if they don't get adopted, and some of the animals were happy and healthy roaming around free. Other than these bad points, the Humane Society is a good place.

Well, wherever you are Misty girl, my heart is with you. Like Brooklynn before you, I will miss you, you left a soft spot in my heart that will always think of you in happiness. Take care little one.