Random Thoughts From My Past

When I was in high school, I had a very hard time. I was depressed, angry, lonely, and confused. I wish I could go back, and be the person I am now. Would life have turned out differently? If I was the happy-go-lucky, strong, funny, intelligent woman I am now back then, how would life had changed.

Things happen for a reason I believe. If I would have been different then, my life would not be the same now. I have dreams about High School all the time, scary and sad dreams. I am usually watching my old self in different situations and yelling at myself to react differently. My old self cannot hear the things I am trying to say.

Does this happen to others? I am sure it does. The Hindsight Complex maybe, to give it a name. I had few friends, and fewer enemies. I kind of drifted, and was never accepted the way I wanted to be. I was in love a few times, or so I thought. My teen-aged brain felt in love, but now that I know what real love is, I realize it was just infatuation.

I am so happy now. My life has gone in a good direction. I was in College, where I lost my identity. The Air Force, where I found myself. A civilian, dating a military man. A wife. A mother to a special needs child.

I am not the person I was, I am greatful for that. But, I wish I could return to that time, and show everyone who I really am.

I want to tell them, " See me, really look at me. Can you love me now? Can you accept me now? Can you give this lonely child a friend and confidante? Can you look beyond the hurt eyes and see the soul underneath?"

Maybe... maybe it is a good thing that I am so far away. If I were there now, as the person I am now, I would feel the same. Maybe distance has made me grow.

We will never know, I will never know. But it is always nice to dream, then wake up and face reality and smile.