This is the end,,,

Well folks. I am done I think. I have nothing to blog about, nothing but the same old shit. I have nothing but Drama Llama things to say and I have hardly any readers. It took me about 2 weeks to get a comment on my last post... so this is it.

I have other avenues for therapy, and I will keep up with everyone else. To the people who did read my blog, thank you. It gave me a breath of life outside my little world, and you made me feel important. So I am going to keep the blog up, in case I ever feel like posting again.

I love you all, and hopefully, I won't never blog again, but it will be a while.

Peas out, and much love.

Mama Mclain

I'm Still Alive.. and Still Here...

Greeting my few readers. Hey how the hell are you? I have been busy, and un-busy. Leading the charming and somewhat mind boggling-ly slow life of the house mommy.

I have to admit, I have been lazy. With just about everything lazy. You ever have that time in your life where you just want to do nothing? I mean absolutely not a damn thing? Yea that is all me right now. I pretty much float through the day, taking care of Dylan and just basically vegging.

Around two weeks ago, both the little man and I had the stomach flu. I was up for 24 hours having nasty crap come out of both ends. Joygasm, lemme tell you. I still haven't been able to touch red meat. The last meal I had before praying ferverantly to the porcaline goddes was a big ol juicy honking steak. So yea, I am avoiding beef like the plaugue. I have been eating Malt-o-meal and oatmeal pretty much non-stop since.

Good news out of this though, I am down to 180 lbs! When we moved here I was 205, no lie, so since August, I have lost 25 lbs. OF course I have no idea where I am losing it from. I still look the same. My britches are a little more baggy, and I think that is about it.

OK so what else... oh yea Yaz. I am on the birth control product called Yaz. I guess it works, of course you have to be having sex to get pregnant, and I wouldn't know about any of that shit at the moment. The pill is also supposed to make your periods shorter and less painful. Ok, I have been on it for a month and a half, and in this time I have had an excruciating week long period, not the cute little 4 day one the package promises. It also hurt like hell.

It is also supposed to help clear your skin... HAhaha HAHAHAHAAaaaaa. *insert Joker-esk laugh here* OK so it is making my pores smaller. This is good. But as a chic who has had a problem with bacterial cystic acne for much of her life, it isn't working too well. The pores are smaller as I said, but the crap that is trapped usually in my Gi-NORMOUS pores are now being squeezed into itty bitty pores. Thus making me break out. My face is the Sierra Nevada's and my back the Rocky Mountains.

OK I know you all didn't want to read about me complaining about my health like a Jewish Yenta, so this is the good stuff. Dylan has become a little leech. WHile this may sound back, it isn't. Autistic young-uns usually won't notice anyone outside of their little world, and Dylan has finally got the seperation anxiety that most 8 month olds go through.

I am so damned happy about this, he demands, in his own little way, kisses and hugs and cuddles, and best of all he gives them back. Sometimes out of no where, he will walk up to me and hug my leg. This makes me so positive about how far into the Autistic spectrum he really is. Maybe his prognosis isn't as bad as we origionally thought. YEAY!

Oh, oh oh, I forgot, I have already put up christmas decorations. Yea I know I am a putz, but dammit, I am doing this season right this time around. I don't get my tree until today, but the house smells of Evergreen Glade candles and there are ornaments and stockings hung with care over the fireplace. The Man's father died when he was 11, 3 days before christmas. So he never has gotten into the spirit. But dammit if this year if I haven't heard him singing Christmas carols to Dylan. Yeay again!

For presents this year, I am making everyone homemade christmas ornaments. They are so easy, and acutally pretty cheap to make. I love being artistic and this is a great outlet.

My parents are coming to our house this year for Thanksgiving. I am thrilled! Although I am nervous as hell about having them here, and that I have to cook them The Turkey Dinner and all the trimmings, I know it will turn out right. Last year, I made the boys and I dinner and everything went perfectly, well except the stuffing, which turned out like a savory bread pudding. It was ewww. Very ewww. This year and last year are the first ever years that I have not been at my parents house for Thanksgiving. Last year it was so odd. My parents went to my Gandmothers house in Palm Spring, California. They had a miserable time. So this year, I am doing it right dammit.

Back to my laziness I wrote about earlier in the post. Yea, I totally need to get up off my ass and do somemore around the house. Every day I clean the kitchen and take care of Dylan, but.... that's about it. The place gets a little messy and I HATE HATE HATE doing laundry. It has been to cold for me to do lawn work, and the grass isn't growing anyway, so I don't have my excuse of doing outside work instead of inside work.

I hate using the excuse of having a special needs son, and that doesn't allow me time to do things around the house, but it is a lie. I have plenty of time. Dylan is so patient and willing to just be around me, that I could totally clean house every day if I wanted to. The problem is, that I don't get off my lazy ass to do it.

Oh yea, I also look like a bag lady half the time. No make-up, hair in a midget ponytail, and sweats and a t-shirt. I am da sexy bitch, what what? Yea right, like I said I look like a bag lady. It urks the shit out of me that I don't seem to give a damn, it is almost as if there are two of me. The doer and the non-doer. The doer looks down on the non-doer, but the lazy fanny non-doer seems to win.

Whenever The Man comes home from work and I have done my house-wifely duty, i.e. clean stuff other than the kitchen. He jokes and says," Who are you and what did you do with Jessica?" Oh yea, this bothers the crap out of me. He also puts in little jibs about how messy the place is. I want to tell him, " You have not seen messy, buck-o, some houses with kids looks like a tornado hit it."

But yea, that is what is going on right now. In a rather large and unglorious nutshell. I pray daily for guidance and for the energy to get through my day. I am always so tired and blech. I need a spa day and a friggin mental enima. Yea that's it.

Halloween and Me...

I dressed up... I passed out candy and I had a blast! This is my costume... I was a Shadow Priestess from World of Warcraft. I know Lame... but I dug it, and it took me like 5 minutes.


You can see The Man taking the picture in the mirror behind me. I wuv him... also Dylan had a Skelly shirt!

Hehe... Boobees

What did you think you were going to see?

Ode to My Coffee Maker and Coffee and My Son and Kitties...

Oh Coffee Maker, how I love thee. At night before my rest, I fill thy well with water. I replace thy filter, and fill it with the grounds of goodness ( i.e. Hazlenut Creme Folgers Gourmet). In the morning, whilst I stumble around, I turn on thy button, and life stirs.

After mine shower, I run to you and pour thy coffee goodness into mine cup. I add the Splenda, the skim milk and the dash of Nestle Quik chocolate mix. I stir with all of mine heart and I take a sip.

The Gods sing and the angels dance. It is like purest heaven flowing down my throat.

OK ENOUGH OF THAT. But seriously, without the coffee, I would be a zombie drone in the morning, and my poor son would never be let out of his crib.

Speaking of Dylan, he is such a charmer in the morning! Ever the morning person (damn him), I open his door and I say, " Goodmorning Dylan!" If he is not standing already, he pops up and shrieks in happiness. I walk over to his crib and hold my arms out for a hug. He grins widely and runs into my arms for a chest breaking hug. I lift him out and change his diaper, I usually have a bottle of warm milk ready for him, it's his favorite.

He giggles and shrieks and makes all kinds of happy noises. Man I love him so much.

Oh and Kitties! Poor Cheyanne and Misty are just never going to get along. But dammit if I don't love them both. Misty slept on my chest last night while I was on the couch. ( Don't ask... *sigh*) She is such the sweet baby. I am so glad God placed her in our lives. Even The Man is favoring her.

OK laters folks, I got a pot of coffee to finish in a hour.

Baby Blues...

I think I am going crazy. All I have been thinking about lately, is having another baby. I want to be pregnant, I want to have that little life inside of me. I want Dylan to have a little brother or sister. This is insane thinking.

My last pregnancy was miserable, the first 5 months were swell! No morning sickness, nothing. I felt awesome. Then the ball dropped. I got gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia and Dylan tried to come out at only 6 months cook time. I was in the hospital off an on for 4 months. Total hospital time? 3 weeks. That is three weeks, laying on a hospital bed, and being miserable. I was put on bed rest and I couldn't stand up for more than 5 minutes at a time, otherwise my blood pressure could spike and it would have killed both Dylan and I. Not to mention the 70 pounds that I gained while pregnant. Scary scary.

But why the hell do I want another one, when there is over a 50% chance that would happen all again? Not to mention the Autism that Dylan has. There is a good chance the baby would be autistic too.

But dammit, I want another one. I want to see another child from The Man and I. I don't know why. I think my biological alarm clock is going off big time, like playing some loud music right in my ear, telling me my hormones are ready for another bundle of joy.

ACK! I have no idea what to do. Seriously. The Man does not want me to go through that shit again, he loves me so much. He does not want to lose me. I kind of brought it up to him and he looked at me like I was on crack.

Maybe the Splenda I am using is giving me hallucinations. Hell if I know. I can't talk to my Mom about it, because then she would pressure us into it. And his Mom... wait maybe I can talk to her. We'll see.

Superstar!

Last weekend, the Stay At Home Mommies group I am a member of did a ladies night out. I had an absolute blast! We did kareoke and I sang twice. Man I have missed performing. I did Shania Twain's From this Moment; and also Janis Joplins' Piece of my Heart. I even got a standing ovation on the last one! It was so much fun. I am glad to have a group to hang out with again, the ladies are so nice and it is great to have a group of ladies who know what it is to be a stay at home mommy.

Here is the group shot, I am on the upper left. Until next time! Enjoy life and do things that scare the shit out of you, it only makes you stronger!

So I suck at updating...

Hey there, how are yah everyone? I am doing ok. The whole uterus thing is worked out and is in tip top uterine shape. The only issue now, is that I have one hell of a bladder infection. What the hell?! Come on body, get to work here.

Other than that, things are going great. The Man loves his job, Dylan loves his teachers and I am feeling ok. I have never been a sickly person, but ever since I had my son, I get the weirdest problems. Anywho...

I really have nothing to write about, I have experienced Bloggers Block. I am currently reading a bunch. I am a word-a-holic. I love to read, and I can go through books like anything. I have recently read Black Rose by Nora Roberts. Origin in Death by J.D. Robb, and Brisignr by Chris Paolini. I get in these cycles where I can't get enough books. I mean I am even reading the back of shampoo bottles in the shower. It is insane.

So anyone have any good books I should look into? Let me know! Love yah all!

Flight of the Butterfly...

It is fall, my second most favorite season. Spring is the first, when the world comes to life, but Fall has that special place in my heart as being almost as beautiful. The monarch butterfly is one of the main reasons I love fall so much. Living here in Texas, I get a front row seat to the annual Monarch butterfly migration. They come through this area on their way to Mexico. I can sit outside and view these beautiful guys fluttering over my yard. I can count them by the hundreds if I sat there long enough. The fly hundreds of miles to get to their mating grounds. It is amazing that these little bugs, can travel as far as they do, following the sun.

The reason I am blogging about them, is because in my life, my growth has resembled a butterflies. I was born, a little egg, on the leaf of the world. Forming into a caterpillar.


My whole childhood was of growing and eating, gathering as much knowledge as I could. I ate knowledge like a caterpillar eats leaves. I grew and grew until my body was taunt and rolly-polly.

There comes to my teenage years. I formed my chrysallis. My cocoon. I became a recluse, rolled into my hard shell, unable to cope with the world. Life almost seemed to pass me by, but I was growing and changing, turning myself into something beautiful.

Then the shell cracked. I met my husband, had my son and we moved to Texas. The shell was broken and I emerged. An adult, I never though I would acutally think of myself as an adult, but now I do. I am a mother, a friend and a wife. I am very happy, to tell you the truth. I have a goal in life, I have a purpose. No longer am I in my shell of self-doubt and loathing. I love myself and everything about me. I love The Man and my beautiful son. He is the caterpillar now, eating and soaking up the knowledge he will need in life. And I will be his leaf. One day, I will see him become a beautiful butterfly.

My flight has left me changed, a wonderous person. My life is a good one. This butterfly has found home.

***Warning Whiney Blog Post Incoming***

Oh boy. Ok, I am happy I really am. I had the sonogram on my uterus today and everything looked fine. I have been losing weight, and am relatively in the best shape I have been in, in two years. We have a house, a car, a motorcycle and two awesome cats. The Man loves his job and Dylan is getting three classes a week for his therapy.

This is the part where I whine.

The Man, is trying to quit again.... again. He blames me for making him start up again after a week of not having a cigarette. He wanted to quit, I didn't, so I started back up again. Then he started also. He BLAMED ME. I mean come on... seriously. Uhg. He is also going through this depression type thing, where he hates everything, and is in no mood to socialize or go out and do things.

Yes we are broke at the moment, yes, we have debt, yes we just moved to a new place and do not know anyone. But, honestly, he doesn't try. I have recently joined a stay at home mother's group. I went to a tastefully simple party last Thursday and met this really cool chick named Shannon.

This is a big thing for me, I am craving friends and attention. She is coming over tomorrow with her two year old and her puppy to hang out and socialize. The Man told me to tell her that he isn't here and not to bother him. He doesn't and I quote, " Want to have to act charming and fake for company." Wow. He is on 'vacation' right now from work, he took Monday thru Wednesday off. I am finally getting out of the clam shell I have been in since High School and he is not even supporting me at all.

All he does is surf on the Internet, watch football, mope and veg. He does do things around the house, don't get me wrong. We made an agreement when we had Dylan, that I would be Susie Homemaker and he would be the breadwinner. I am fine with this. I honestly am. But after I have been home with Dylan all day, I kinda hope that he would come home to play with him and pay a lot of attention to him. But he kinda does and then goes to do his own thing.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think we were ready for kids when we got pregnant. I know personally, that I am too selfish with my time, to spend it with Dylan every second of the day. The Man is the same way, but he is an amazing father when he actually spends time with Dylan. Man this whole thing is making him seem horrible, but he is not, it's just a phase he has been going through, a slump. I wish he would come out of it.

Ok back to Dylan. I love my son more than anything, I really do, but with his Autism, I am expected to be super-uber Mom and be his primary teacher.

On to my second rant/whine topic. My son. God love him but I am going crazy. I am a smart woman, book smart and scientist smart. But when it comes to giving primary attention to a distant, autistic 2 year old who does not know how to communicate I am lost. I am not the teacher type. I always got along better with older people who I could actually hold a conversation with. With Dylan, I have to anticipate his every need, try to teach him the basics of everything in life, how to be human basically. He does not know how to talk, get what he wants, or communicate in any matter. I am stuck doing a guessing game all day... ALL FRIGGIN DAY. And when The Man comes home it is worse, because I swear that man expects me to read his mind.

I am not a bad mother, but I am not the mother I could be and should be for my son. I know that no ones ever asks for this, this challenge, but dammit, why me? I am a selfish brat, at 27. I feel like that sulking teenager who pouts whenever she cannot get what she wants. I want a normal damn son. I want to know what he is thinking. I want to know that he loves me, and enjoys being around me instead of having people tell me he feels these things. I want to take him to the park to play, not have him wander around, and then try to eat a leaf or the dirt.

The other day, Dylan was in the backyard with me while I was raking the grass clippings up. Well I didn't know it, but he was standing in a fire ant mound. The Man happened to come up to him at that time and noticed them crawling all over his hands. We both dashed inside and threw him in the shower to wash them off, and Dylan was oblivious the whole time.

Fire ants fucking hurt, I know this from experience. He didn't utter a peep. Not a tear, not a cry or whine. Nothing. This shook me to the core. My son doesn't feel pain. Does he feel anything else? Like love? I know when he is happy, because he smiles and he laughs. He likes to climb all over us and run. But what else is missing from him. No pain... no what? I was so scared. I still am scared.

Honesty, I don't ever see my son progressing to be a full social self-sufficient adult. This scares me more than anything. His mental and physical capability right now is at the 5- 7 month and 1 year old levels respectively. He is 2 years, 3 months old and still acts like a 5-7 month old...

What did I do to make this happen? I know I didn't do anything, but you ask yourself that question a lot, especially after diagnosis. I hate going around and seeing happy people, and even unhappy people with perfectly normal children and I growl internally. I joined this mothers group for me really. The time to hang around other adults who are just as crazy as I am, and their children. I know Dylan will ignore the other kids, he always does.

Another thing that bothers me is his therapy. I really don't think it is helping at all. After his three 45 minute sessions a week, The Man and I are expected to do all that they have done, 24/7. Even the most persistent parent can keep it up. I feel totally guilty that I don't do everything they suggest. I mean.. I am scared that if I don't, Dylan will be stuck growing up with the mind of an infant, and it will be all my fault. With such a tender and fragile psyche as mine, I don't need that looming over my head.

I also miss the hell out of my family. My parents, The Man's parents even cousins and uncles and aunts and friends. I need help dammit, I really do. I can't do this alone. I am being expected to, and I can't. Most days it takes all I have not to smash my forehead against the wall in frustration. I am lonely and I need help with my own little family. Does that make me a failure as an adult? Make me lazy and selfish and immature? I am a 27 year old mother of a special needs son and a moody husband, I have no close friends here or family even in this state.

Well, I don't know if this post was even worth writing, or just something I should delete. I don't feel sorry for myself. I will pick up and move on with the everyday. I just need some serendipity. Something that will let me know that I am alright, doing good, a good Mom and wife and friend and everything will be fine. Just one sign. Or a ton of signs. A big ass mack truck of signs.

Did this make me feel better? Maybe, it sure as hell made me put things into perspective. I can't be comedy and smiley roses all the time.

I'll save that for my next post.

An Icepick to the Gut....

The pain... good God, the pain is getting unbearable. My uterus is screaming at the top of it's little lungs and my ovaries are thumping and kicking their little legs like a two year old in a full blown tantrum. My whole midsection is a writhing bowl of angry-ness. It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, doing anything. The housework is getting nuts. I am so far behind. The progesterone that I am taking {the hormone that starts a females period}, I am on day 7 now, is just making it worse. MY abdomin is so tight right now, it is like a drum. Well, a drum that has a layer of blubber from a past pregnancy, but you get the gist.

To top this all off, I got Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning, I downloaded the game, ok peachy, and now the patcher doesn't work. JOY! So I am stuck downloading something, on a Torrent, that has about oh.... 26 hours left over.

GAH! Ok I know I don't make sense. I have a sonogram set up for Monday. And if I don't start by then, there is something really wrong. Like I said before I am on day 7 of 10 days of pills. Usually people start by day 3 or 4. I need happy thoughts people!

I am about to tell the doc just to yank all my shit out. Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Ye Olde 99 Questions

1-*What is your full name? Jessica Alynn Mclain

2-*Your birth date: February 10, 1981

3-*What color is your hair? Is it short, medium or long?

4-*What color are your eyes? Light Brown, I call em amber colored

5-*How tall are you? 5 foot 1 inch, I am a giant midget

6-*Single or Taken? Married!

7*Do you have pets? If so, how many and what kind? I have two cats currently. Cheyanne and Misty

8*Who do you live with? My husband, son and the cats/

9*What do you do for school and work? I am a stay at home mommy, plan on getting my degree in Veterinary Tech.

10*Any kids? If not, do you want any? One boy, Dylan aged two.

11*What music do you listen to the most? Things like Lacuna Coil and Evanescence.

12*Do you like to read? If so...favorite book(s)? Love Laurell K Hamilton and other Gothic Romance

13*Virgin or not? Think about this one, I am not the virgin Mary, and I have a son.

14*Name your 3 closest friends. Sean, Erin and my Mother

15*Which one is your very best friend? Sean, my husband.

16*Your skin...is it fair, medium or dark? Fair to Medium, I can tan well, when I keep up with it.

17*How often do you really "go out"? Not often enough.

18*Have you ever lost anyone you loved? I lost my family in the mall one time, it scared the shit out of me.

19*Ever been in love? Real love... once... Emo love... many times.

20*On a scale of 1-5 how organized are you? 1.5

21*Do you exercise regularly? If so, how often? I mow the lawn, that is my exercise, and I also chase a two year old all day.

22*Zodiac sign? Aquarius

23*Have any nick names? If so, what? Jess and Jessie, my online nickname is Mama Mclain

24*Name a couple of T.V. shows you watch a lot. Myth Busters, and Dirty Jobs, I also love Iron Chef.

25*Movie(s) you can watch over and over: Anything from Pixar

26*Do you have tattoos? If yes, how many and where are they? I have three currently. My tummy on the left side, my left shoulder blade and the tramp stamp.

27*Any piercings? If yes, how many and where are they? Nose, and Ears in three places each.

28*Wear glasses? All the time, can't stand the thought of contacts.

29*Have braces? I did in high school, can never tell now, my teeth are stubborn.

30*Do you have siblings? If so, how many? One brother, he is three years younger.

31*Are your parents still together? Very much so.

32*What is/was your worst subject in school? Math... I hate math.

33*Your best subject? English or Science.

34*Do you currently play any sports? If so, what? Full Contact Mothering

35*Do you like to dance? Yes when no one is really watching.

36*Sing? All the time.

37*Favorite color? I love em all for different reasons.

38*Favorite Holiday? Thanksgiving

39*Where, outside of the U.S. would you like to visit? Back to Europe, I love it there. I lived in Germany for 7 years.

40*Do people tell you that you act older, younger, or your age? Older, I act older and look like I am still in high school.

41*Ever have an imaginary friend as a child? I cried the day he left me.

42*Ever been skinny dipping? Yup... heh.

43*Did/Do you enjoy high school for the most part? Not really.

44*Drink? If yes, how often? Not often at all, my husband doesn't at all, and I do rarely.

45*Smoke? Oh yea.

46*Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with? When I was 8 I beat up a 14 year old boy, kicked him in the nuts!

47*Have you ever cheated in a relationship? Never.

48*What's your definition of cheating? Holding hands, kissing, doing it. I am strict.

49*Do you wear pajamas to places other than at your house? I wore pajama pants to the grocery store once, felt like an ass.

50*Have you ever stolen anything from a store or from someone? Nope. I am an angel.

51*Ever cheated on a test? Unfortunately my angel status only goes so far.

52*Ever been in any legal trouble? Newp

53*Do you regret anything? I regret constantly, intelligent people do. Also the depressed ones.

54*Name 5 of the most important things in your life. My son, my husband, my house, my sanity {what little there is left}, my health and my computer.

55*How many languages can you speak and what are they? Um, Proper English and Hick.

56*Are you a touchy feely person? With people I know.

57*Do you take showers in the morning or at night more? Both, I love to be clean. But when I can't get around to it, usually the afternoon.

58*Do you trust easily? Unfortunately. But FORTUNATELY life has taught me better.

59*Any phobias? I hate heights and scorpions.

60*Are you a heavy or light sleeper? Depends on when I get to sleep.

61*When did you make your face book profile? About 3 months ago.

62*Any disorders you've actually been diagnosed with (O.C.D., A.D.D...)? Chemical Depression and AA DD.

63*Are you a morning person? Sometimes, depends on the coffee consumption.

64*Sunrise or sunset? Sunset.

65*Ever had surgery? Breast Reduction and a C-Section.

66*Ever come close to death? When I was pregnant, I hovered constantly.

67*Ever broken any bones? My nose and a few fingers. Also my forearm.

68*When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated? I am undecided really.

69*Play any instruments? If so, what? Flute, Baritone and um.. yea.

70*Have you been told you can sing well more than once? Yup, got the medals to prove it.

71*3 physical features you get complimented on a lot: My hair, my eyes and my mouth.

72*Your least favorite feature: My weight.

73*Clothing store you shop at the most: Sadly to say, Wal-Mart.

74*What is/are your heritage(s)? Irish, German, Polish and Indian. You'd think I would drink more.

75*What is your religion or do you not really have one? I am a Wicca-Christian

76*Ever been cheated on? Yes.

77*Ever had a one night stand? If so, how many and do you regret any of them? A lady never tells.

78*Current friend that you have known the longest: Erin Messer

79*Name someone you can tell just about anything to. My husband.

80*Sweet or Sour? Candy, sour. Food, sour. Dessert, sweet.

81*Where were you born? Fort Benning, GA

82*Do any of your close friends have children? Nope

83*Are any of them married? A couple of them.

84*Have you ever taken any antidepressants or anxiety medication? Both, every day for the last 7 years.

85*Ever seen a therapist? Yea, they are ok I guess.

86*Did/do you transfer schools a lot? Yes, I grew up an army brat.

87*Favorite animal to have as a pet: Dogs and Horses

88*How many floors does your home have? How many bedrooms and bathrooms? One floor, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms.

89*Do you live in a neighborhood or in the middle of nowhere? A neighborhood, which is awesome.

90*Favorite food: Anything Asian, specially sushi and exotic things. And Soul food.

91*Do you like to shop? For the house. For myself? No, I can't stand clothes shopping.

92*How often do you go online? All the time.

93*How sexual are you on a scale of 1-10? 7.

94*Something or someone you miss the most from childhood: Being close to my family.

95*Have you ever slept with someone 10 years or more older than you? Newp.

96*Over 10 years younger? Newp.

97*Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early, when it comes to appointments and dates.

98*Are you happy with your life for the most part right now? Very very very. Except for the being overweight, and broke.

99*Explain your personality. I am very laid back, but very sporadic. If I want something I want it now. Impatient and artistic.

I Am Teh Geek

I have been playing online role playing games for a few years now. Actually if I think real hard, which I really try not to do, I have been playing since 2004. I would not call myself an uber gamer. I have met some people online who have played for years and years, and it is all they do, they even met their spouse online by gaming. There will be raids that are done and dungeons that are run through right when they come out, as soon as a game is updated. You gotta get the gear! Those pixels are important! I almost fell into the trap of being one of these people, with World of Warcraft.

Oh WoW, how I loved thee. I'd still love thee if I were still playing. I played in the same guild for just about two years. The Fifth Horizon. These people were awesome, and still are, I am sure. I played on the Blackwater Raiders server, horde side. My main characters' name was Keliss. Oh my orc hunter, how I rocked thee. I was getting super good, playing all day and night, getting the awesome gear, and then I realized, oh snap. My life is going to crap! So I stopped playing WoW, and started to look for other games.

I played Lord of the Rings online, City of Heroes, tried the trials for Evercrack 2, I mean Everquest and Dungeons and Dragons online, I also tried a few free online games. Then I found Age of Conan to be addictive for the first oh, month. I am still looking for the perfect game. One rich with lore and fantasy. One with awesome graphics, easy to follow game play and great quests. One with lovable classes and races, and with super beautiful gear. I have yet to find one that interests me the way WoW did.

Man if I could create a game, it would be thrilling. I dream about this game, I am serious. It would be set in a modernish day, with many different classes and races. Everything from fairies, dwarves, elves and the such. To the boring humans, vampires and were-creatures. The quests would be well written and intriguing. The graphics to die for. The customer service, impeccable.

But alas, the United States and even the Asian countries have failed to produce a game like this, so I am still waiting. It kind of made me sad, Age of Conan was so hyped and it really was awesome for the first oh, say 20 levels. After that, the quests were interesting, but the crafting and PvP systems were crap. The gorgeous graphics could not make up for it.

I have heard that Warhammer is doing well, it came out this last week. The Man almost vehemently refuses to buy me another game though, because recently I got Spore (which I am loving) and Fable the Lost Chapters, which I haven't played since we got to Texas.

I want a new MMORPG, dammit, once I can immerse myself in, that is beautiful, easy to understand and with depth, is that too much to ask? I guess so, but damn I want it now.

Of course, if I had my way, my monthly gaming fees would be around 100 bucks. I hate the pay by month thing, but these guys gotta make their money somehow. The Man hates the game cards and the subscription fees, I understand, after buying the game, you shouldn't have to pay for it to play it. Guild Wars, which I also tried was like this. I can see 5 bucks a month, but 15.99? Christ that stinks.

Oh well, I have Spore and the Perfect World right now. Spore is great, but it needs some more depth, they left out some things that were supposed to come in the game. But this is also Maxis we are talking about, the creators of the Sims, the games of a zillion expansions which you have to pay for. Perfect World is a free game out of China. The game is pretty, but.. but... I can't understand have the quests. It IS translated, loosely. Like someone just put the text in Babble fish and let it ride.

Well, I am going to zone in a game, ttys!

Foo Foo Foo...

My son isn't talking yet. This is no big deal, he is only 2 and he is Autistic. But some of the sounds he makes is adorable. He constantly babbles in D-bonics. His own little language, that he uses in his everyday world. Lots of Consonants followed by some vowels. His favorite so far is Foo foo foo. Or Voo voo voo if he is feeling saucy.

When he is asleep or not talking, The Man and I find ourselves talking to eachother in D-bonics. My favorite is his Ahh-hah noise. It is so adorable and I will make that sounds outta no where. My little man is growing and talking. Just nothing we can understand. He is abso-freaking adorable.

Hmm...

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday. She was awesome. I am loving this hospital. BUT... I didn't find out what was wrong. All hands are pointing to my uterus being a bitch. That, or I have a uterine cyst. Oh joygasm. I have an ultrasound on the 25th to see for sure. For now, I am being put on progestrine to kickstart my ol' aunt flo, and after 4 months of her being gone, it's going to be a nasty one. Once again, JOYGASM! So if any of you stop by for a visit, the men are all dead and the cats are crying, and when you open the door, the red sea comes flowing out, it's ok, the doctor made me!

ZOMG Happy!

Misty returned! My little one is back. After a week of being on hiatus, she is back. And I am not letting her go again. She is now officially a member of the Mclain household. Now, an adored house cat, free to laze around all day and sleep {which she has been doing}. Cheyanne and her are not exactly getting along, so Chey is sleeping in the bedroom, while Misty has the run of the house most of the day. But when Chey does get let out, they have hissing fits and little spats. This is way way normal for two female cats. They will get used to eachother. Misty even is using the catbox, and follows me around like a puppy when she is not snoozing.

On another note, I have been losing weight like it is going out of style. Well, to tell you the truth, I have only lost about 10 lbs, but my body is tightening and I feel gorgeous. Talk about something to kick you out of a depression. The Man has been going ga-ga over me, and I feel pretty damn good about it. After having Dylan, my body swelled to over 210 lbs. Now being 185, is a joy and a treat. I am still in size 18's, but I was able to wear The Man's Cowboy's jersey, which is a kids XL. It looks super fab on me. Yea, my hubby is that small. He just recently got three new pairs of jeans, which are all 32 inch waists. Grrr. Oh well, someday I will have The Man's girlish figure, you better believe it.

Fall is in the air. This morning the dew was frosty, and I have been able to wear jeans. Thank God, because my legs look like a scarred warzone. With jeans, not only do I get to show off my perfect J-lo butt, but I get to cover the battle wounds from the bugs.

I am in bliss. From last week, this is a 180 degree change. Maybe I am bi-polar. Meh, who knows, but all I know is that I feel good!

Well, except for the constant pain I am in. Don't worry, dear readers, I am going to get checked out, I think not having a period since May and cramping all the time and the fact that I am NOT pregnant is a little cause to worry. So Doctor's office here I come. Blech, I hate going to the docs. But if it makes me better I will be happier. I was checking online for my symptoms, and scarily enough, it sounds like a problem. Everything from early menopause to ovarian cancer grabbed my attention. I am NOT a hypocondriac, but damn, this is weird.

So wish me luck on getting an appointment soon. I hope I don't have to get my shit ripped out. That would suck. Specially since I have no one to take care of me if I have a surgery, because all my family is 8 hours away either direction. Pray for me. We'll see how it goes.

Therapy for the Soul

I love lawnwork. I mean almost crazy about it. Seeing a lawn that is in neglect puts me on edge. everytime I go to my parents house, I mow the lawn for them, for relaxation, and because of my obsessive compulsive nature.

To me it is therapy, a work out and meditation all in one. Let me explain.

Therapy, because I am actually doing something creative, constructive and motivational. When I see the finished product, it fills me with intense pride, and if I need to beat the shit out of something I weed, or chop something up.

A work out, because by the time I am complete, I am dripping sweet, and smell like an 80 year old man who forgets to put on his deoderant. Believe me I know what this smells like. It works my arms, my legs and I clench my tummy and butt while mowing. I glisten from a combination of sweat and sun. The tan is nice too.

Meditation. What do I think about when I mow, my life, and my past? Nope, a sense of inner peace comes over me, and my minds seems to drift and join with the earth, in a state of super karma. As I plant, I feel one with nature, as I feel I am helping her to achieve glory. You are working with the Mother, the one we all came from, our roots if you forgive the pun. I don't believe I am shaping it to my will, but allowing the plants to be at their most healthy and productive. Don't even get me started on veggies, being able to feed myself and my family, from things that I helped grow, is an amazing feeling. And when I am done, all of the stress and meloncholy I felt before has drifted away.

Lawnwork and gardening is therapy for the soul. A kind of Green Zen. Inner peace and self relaxation. Buddah, Mother Nature, and all the other guys would be proud.

Depression Rears it's Ugly Head

I have been on depression meds for about 7 years now. They have been working great! Don't get me wrong. But everyone once in a while, the chemicals in my brain decide to fight back. Chemical depression is they lay term of the disorder, meaning the brain has a unbalance of the happy chemicals to keep you sane. It's not the technical term of what I have, but my brain is fighting me right now, so I give you they lay term.

Yesterday, I waited until Dylan took his nap, and then I laid in bed all day. I slept, I cried and I just basically moped around. When the Man got home, I told him I had a stomach ache, {which was true} and he let me sleep the rest of the night. You would think after 18 hours of sleep, one would be rested and refreshed. Nope. I am more tired and bummed than I was before.

But Mama Mclain, you ask, why don't you go do something to make yourself feel better. WELL, I would, but it has been raining for the past two and a half days, so I can't do yardwork to make myself happy. I have been playing the video games that usually make me happy as well, and they haven't worked. I think the underlying problem is stress and boredom.

I am a housemom. This means I stay at home all day every day, and take damn good care of my son. This also means that I don't get to go out and socialize as much as I would like to. There in strikes the boredom. We only have one vehicle at the moment, because The Man cannot use his motorcycle on base to go back and forth to work. Once he gets the class out of the way {later on this month} I'll be able to go to that Mommies group I joined.

The stress is caused by The Man, we have been bickering and he has had some very very rough days at work, due to the class he is taking at the moment. How can I help his stress and calm him down when I am stressed myself? I dunno.

But Depression is striking it's ugly head, and you better be damned sure I am going to rear mine back at it. RAWR you stupid depression. I can totally see why some housemom's turn to drugs and alchohol. I would not for a million zillion dollars. But I can see why, it is the easy way out of being bored. Use something that gives you euphoria. That is the losers way, in my opinion. No offense to you out there who turn to it.

So, it is the hard grind of trying to bring myself out of the dregs here. Bear with me the next couple of days. I'll make it through. I just wish I had more friends out here. Well soon I will, soon. One can only hope, and pray and do whatever it is that happy people do. Maybe I'll go hug a tree or something.

Take Care Little One...

She is gone. Out of the blue, she just stopped coming around. Little Misty, our adopted alley kitty is gone. It's been a week since she has come around, her food bowls untouched by feline eating, it was emptied by a neighborhood possum.

I wrote about her miraculous appearance last month, how she looks so much like Brooklynn, our deceased cat. In the two days after I put a flea collar on her, she disappeared. The Man thinks that her owners saw the collar and decided to stop letting her out. She was so calm when I let her in the house, snoozing at my feet when I was on the computer. I think the humane society caught her. I saw one of their trucks roaming around the day before the left.

Well good and bad in a way. Bad, because I was this close to keeping her in the house. Good, because she can get a full time home. I am a true believer when it comes to the animal shelter. Yes they euthinize the animals if they don't get adopted, and some of the animals were happy and healthy roaming around free. Other than these bad points, the Humane Society is a good place.

Well, wherever you are Misty girl, my heart is with you. Like Brooklynn before you, I will miss you, you left a soft spot in my heart that will always think of you in happiness. Take care little one.

I fell off the wagon or I am tha WOMAN!

So yesterday, after 7 days of non-smoking, I bought a pack of smokes. Ultra-lights to make myself feel better. I know they have the same amount of nicotine as the normal cigs, but it does make me feel not as bad. The worse thing is, is that I smoked and then The Man smoked too. One whole week of being clean smelling, nice fresh kisses and having my lungs not hurt, and dammit I am back again.

Why do we smoke? What is the draw of it? I have no idea, and yet, I have a great idea of why. There are poisons and addictive thingies in cigarettes that make you want them. That and I am proud to say, is that I have an oral fixation, and I need to be doing things with my mouth.

So, instead of eating myself obese and slowly killing myself with food, I will slowly kill myself with smoking. It's a lose lose situation. But at least I'll be skinny. >.<

We went shopping yesterday, just to look around, maybe add a little more debt to the credit card. Both the man and I were feeling bored, so we hauled Dylan into the car and went to eat and stopped by Lowes. ZOMG they had a 2 seater swing that we have been searching for. It was only 75 dollars! WOW. So we cram it into the back of our Saturn Vue and drive home happy. We get home, Dylan has fallen asleep, and The Man starts his homework.

I put on my ballcap, and march up to the swing box. See, in our family, I am the man. I build things, put everything together, grill the food, mow the lawn... you get the drift. I enjoy it. I am also the NON-bread winner in our household, so I do these things to, yah know, earn my keep. So I proceed to put the swing together, and it rocks. The Man is thankful and it is a good day.

Other than the smoking. Oye Vey.

Another Hair{style} Bites the Dust... or Long Weekend

Wow, what a long weekend. It officially ended for us yesterday morning. I will do a day-by-day replay.

Friday: The Man got off of work early, so we decided to hit the mall and do some shopping. I have been dropping the hints of getting my hair done. I mean totally new, color, cut and new style all together. So he said, ok, we will get your hair done today. YEAY! I was thrilled. So we went to the mall and I got in to Master Cuts right away. The chick who did my hair Chelsae was a bit of an airhead, but it was cool, she was very sweet. Well besides, I am not the easiest to understand when I try to explain things, I have AADD so sue me.




So an hour and a half and only 43 bucks later,
this is the result. Isn't it adorable?! I was so happy about it, and I still am, considering I could
only put it into a ponytail or leave it down,
I was starting to get annoyed with the long
hair look. I got 8 inches cut off. WOW!








Saturday: We go grocery shopping, and wait for The Man's parents to come later on that night. They get here, we are all excited, and I go outside to help my Dad-in-Law to bring in the suicases. HOLY CRAP. I saw a tail sticking out from one of their tires. At first I thought that they ran over a snake and it stuck to their tire. I was cool with this, so I went inside to tell everyone to come out and see. I go back outside and the tail is disappearing underneath the car. Uh-oh. It was still ALIVE!
Dad-in-law and I are crawling around trying to get the snake from out of underneath the car. We are using everything we can imagine, from a rake to spraying water on it to shoo it out. Nothing works. The Man and his Momma were in the house totally creeped out. Apparently The Man's Step Dad and I are the bravest mo-fo's ever. So you never know, there still make be a 5 foot bullsnake underneath their car. I hope it has fun on it's trip to New Mexico.

Anywho, the weekend sped by and we went shopping and got presents for the house. Flowers, and a new shovel and lots of cool stuff. Sunday was a blast, and Dylan responded to his grandparents so very well. He loves them tons.

So they left Tuesday morning and Dylan has been missing them, hell so have I. It is now Friday and I started this post on Wednesday Morning, shows you how into it I have been.

Hopefully when I pull my head out of my ass, I'll get to blogging more. Oh yea, this is the 6 or 7th day we have not smoked, that may have something to do with it. I was on Chantix and I just stopped taking it. I keep eating and lazing around, doing shit here and there. I know I am going to gain all the weight I lost back. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Damn I want a cigarette.

Wonderful Chaos...

Hey everyone, I know it has been a few days. The lack of blogging has been killing me. This weekend has been soooo super busy and stressful. The Man and I quit smoking, it has now been over 72 hours; and we still want to kill eachother.

My parents-in-law are in town, and that means gifts for the house! I got my hair cut off, a good 8 inches of it, and I have figured I have lost around 15 lbs! This is just an update, and a more detailed blog is on the way, most likely by tomorrow. Oh yea, remind me to tell you about the snake that crawled into the axle well of my parents-in-law car!

Much Love to My Kitty...

This is Cheyanne, she is my angel, but totally her Daddies kitty. She is a doll, with silky calico fur and a purr to warm your heart. So I have to give props to my sweety... but, they still isn't a dog.














Here she is looking pissy.













Dylan with His Kitty, Hobbes. Like in Calvin and Hobbes.









She Thinks She is the Baby

I want a dog...

I have been without my own dog for, what... since 1999. A long time. I am a huge animal person. I have had cats since moving out of my parents house. Cats are awesome, great to cuddle and nice because they can basically take care of themselves.

But Dogs... man they are wonderful. Mans best friend is not just a saying. I long for doggie kisses, having my pup lay by my feet as I blog, taking him on walks, his head on my lap when we are on the couch, following me around the house, playing ball, you name it. To me, the perfect dog is a bigger dog, the little yippers like Chihuahua's and Maltese are not dogs, those are just glorified cats who bark. I mean you look at a Chihuahua wrong and they shake. No, no this is not a dog. A real dog is one you can wrestle with, throw a ball or frisbee around, take them to the lake and have them swim after sticks. The pure joy that radiates of out a dog when they play, or when you get their special spot when you pet them is priceless.

I want a Golden, or a German Sheppard, or well any bigger dog. So, Jess, you say, you have a house now, get a dog!

Alas, I can't. We are renting and the landlords forbid dogs, we even had to finagle them letting us keep our cat. With a 300 dollar pet deposit later, we got to keep Cheyanne, and that was a challenge. Apparently the last few renters they had here, their dogs tore up the house, the yard, got loose and chased cars down the street, you name it. SO I understand why they a leary about them.

But we are good tenants. They have already been by to fix a few minor things, and have complimented us on the house, and how the yard is beautimus. So MAYBE we can sweettalk them later on into letting us have a pooch. The yard we have has a 8 foot privacy fence, and the actual pack yard is gigantic. Perfect for fetching and playing around.

The actual main reason is selfish, I want a puppy that loves me the most. All of our animals have always gravitated to The Man. They have all been female as well. So I want a boy dog to be MY buddy.

But another reason is for Dylan. I have read and even seen how well he responds to animals. Our cats make a wide orbit from him, but a big ol silly doggy for him to chase and play with would be wonderful. There is a lot of talk about Autism Therapy Dogs, and this got me to thinking. What if I got a dog, and trained to to be Dylan's companion?

Reguardless of my motif, I want a dog... sooo bad.

Home Remedies Can Kiss My...

OK so, the pain is getting retardedly unbearable. The cortizone cream, and the calamine lotion are only doing so much. At my wits end, I google Fire Ant Bites. I read pages and pages of interesting articles about what can help with the pain. Stuff you can do at home! Huzzah!

Picture this... frustrated me on the floor with three seperate containers filled with various items. I lay a towel on the floor and gingerly place my tootsies on the towel.

Experiment #1- Salt and Water in a thick paste.
I search the house for the Mortens salt container. I mix up the concoction, but to my dismay I have to use Light Salt, because that is the only kind I use. So anyhow, I mix up the salt and warm water with a spoon and make a thick slurry.

Experiment #2-Half an Onion... you read right, Half an onion.
For the second time I run to the kitchen and grab a huge Vidalia out from the fridge. Huzzah everything I need. I cut it in half and run back to the bedroom.

Experiment #3- Baking Soda and Water Paste
I search high and low for the baking soda. Dammit, I got rid of it before the move.

Experiment #4- Dishwasher Liquid.
Again, I race to the kitchen and look for the detergent. I have the powdered kind. Great. So I get the idea of mixing that up with water, basically the same right? I mix that up with warm water and make a paste.



Outcome #1- The Salt Slurry
Reaction- Screaming. I totally forgot about the open blisters, and I just placed salt in the wounds. I run to the bathroom and wash it off as quickly as possible. Not discouraged, I go back into the room.
Verdict- Suck my Ass, you f-ers.

Outcome #2- The Vidalia Method
Reaction- Horror. The blisters have had time to seal shut after the salt invasion, and now the onion juice dissolves the scab! GODDAMMIT! Screaming in even more pain, I race to the bathroom and thoroughly scrub my stanky, stingy, onion feet.
Verdict- Acid in Onion Juice Eats Skin.. Tonight on CNN.

Outcome #3- The Baking Soda Paste
Reaction- Dissapointment.
Verdict- No F-ing Clue.

Outcome #4- The Dishwasher "Liquid"
Reaction- Huh... I put the slimy paste on the toes and feet and wait. Something cool happens. My feet start tingling. This worries me at first, then I get sidetracked by the lovely lemon smell emminating from my toesies. Nice. I have great taste in Dishwashing Detergent. Then the water I mixed in with the stuff evaporates and/or soaks into my skin to dry into a crusty shell that I flake off. Hmm, even more interesting. I wash off my lemony tootsies and wait for the inevitable scream/sting effect. Not so much.
Verdict- Not bad, not bad at all.

It worked I have to say. The last experiment not only made the sting/itchiness go away, but my feet smell fabulous and got rid of the oniony disgusting-ness. That and the swelling went down and I have a pleasant tingly feeling.

The only bad thing, is I have no idea how many chemicals I just put on my skin. So I will continue with the experimentation tomorrow, or be FOUND DEAD IN MY BED DUE TO SKIN POISONING!

Hopefully I will live to blog another day. Pray for me.

An Addendum on the Last Post... *Warning Ugly Feet Alert*

Warning... Warning... Warning... Ugly Feet Alert.


Ants, I hate them all. This is a photo journal about how I was a retard.

I was sweeping the sidewalks off from the grass we mowed yesterday, and I was barefoot. . I never wear shoes, because hey, I like bare feet.


Anywho, I was sweeping along, and all the sudden I felt something crawl up on my feet. I look down, and start to scream, I had stepped in a fire ant mound. The little buggers were everywhere, so I am running around, speaking in tongues and smacking my feet with the broom.

I run out back, grab the ant killer and proceed to exterminate them. Only then, after the adrenaline wore off, did I realize, HOLY SHIT my FEET HURT! They are burning and itching.

So Remember kids, always wear shoes... or else.

And then Murder Flashed in my Eyes....

I AM A GODDESS! Ok seriously though. I just spent the better part of the lunch hour killing tiny innocent creatures. ANTS! Innocent my ass-hole. They bite, they steal the cats food and they are icky icky icky. Yesterday The Man took Dylan and I shopping for household stuff. I got a lawn mower, a patio set, lots of food, a hanging plant and some decorative lawn lights. This Man knows how to please his woman, yes, yes he does.

So yesterday, armed from head to toe with bug spray, I traverse the football field that is my backyard to mow. I am the Garden Goddess, the venerable Martha fucking Stewart of Lawn care. In the five days it had been since we mowed last, the grass in the back grew, I swear to you, a foot. So I am out there mowing, happy as a clam.

Wait, wait, I am getting back to the horrible creatures. I run over 6 ant mounds in my back yard. As the whirling blades of death crash into their little cities, ant bodies and egg sacks fly everywhere. Fire blazes in my eyes. Gleefully I run to the garage after I finish the lawn, and grab the Spectre-cide and killer. Armed with a measuring cup and the hose, I proceed to commit Ant-i-cide.

The feeling of power is intense. Here I am the Lawn-Care Goddess, wrecking needless havoc on her tiny minions. MUAHAHAHAHHAA. I am an angry diety!

In other buggy news, the mosquitos are getting atrocious. The little fuckers are everywhere. Today when I was walking through the living room, Dylan seems to have a spot on his forehead, walking to him to get a closer look, I see that it is a huge ass, Mothra sized mosquito. I instantly smash it, and blood oozed from the crushed body. Now my son's little forehead is smeared with his own blood.

Before it was war, now it is Armegeddon. Beware you nasty ass, disease ridden pests. Your days are numbered. It was not that bad when it was just the Man and I covered in bites. No you had to go and attack my son. Your days are f-ing numbered.

Life with a Special Boy.

When Dylan was born, he was 'normal'. I use that in parentheses because there really is no such thing as normal. He was a fussy, colic-y, lovable little squirt. He met all of his milestones early, right up until about 5 months of age. Things started to get a little odd at that time. Before where he was starting to mimic noises we were doing, he stopped. He was very rigid, and could be left alone for long periods of time without doing much of anything. Not that we did, but The Man and I would be in the room and Dylan would be on the floor. He would just chill and look at an object like he was writing a thesis on it.

His head had always been large. This being the main factor in why I had to have a c-section after 24 hours of labor. He wouldn't go through. But later on in his baby-hood, we were starting to be confused about why he was so behind. He would do this military like crawl instead of being up on all fours..ect. He took him to a neurologist and they did a Cat-scan on him to see if there was any abnormalities. Nothing. We went on and on trying to see what the problems were, until we finally got him to see a early childhood psychiatrist.

He was pronounced as Autistic at 14 months of age. Both The Man and I were floored, yet we both saw this coming. He doesn't talk, but he makes a lot of noises. He used to rarely look us in the eye, but he is getting better. He has no way of communicating what he wants and needs to us at all. No pointing, nothing. He started to get lessons of a sort from the Early Childhood Prevention School in Bellevue, Nebraska. This was helping, but not really enough to make significant progress like we hoped.

Hopefully here in Texas, it will be a better program. It is hard taking D out to places. If he gets frustrated, he kind of fusses loudly and screams. People look at The Man and I like we are horrible parents. Shaking their heads and whispers are usually what we get. I just want to yell at them, and say, " He is Autistic, and still learning, give him a break." I am glad he is clueless to this behavior. But The Man and I aren't.

The worst is the Grandparents. Ecspecially on my side. My parents call all the time, have you tried this, is he doing this yet? On and on. And we say, no. The Man's parents are awesome about him and his quirk. I hate calling is a disorder, a disease.. whatever. He has quirks. I am hoping he will progress enough to be a normal adult.

My son is NOT RAINMAN. This frustrates the hell out of me when people bring that up. Dustin Hoffman did a great job in that movie, but that is not EVERY case of autism. His was a portrayal of a major major case.

My son is special. Yes he has special needs, but he is just plain special. He is cheerful, funny, sweet and cuddly. He tries so hard, so super very very awesomely hard. I love this the most about him. His constant persistance. His eyes are so expressive. His smile radiates such pure joy, that it makes everyone else smile around him. He is an amazing little man. He loves to run, to climb on the couch , and to eat. Juicy juice is his drug of choice, but milk is his friend. He loves bread, and anything with starch. Tater Tots and French fries are his favorites, with a hot dog chaser.

When he sleeps, he is an angel who snores like a chainsaw and drools like a leaky faucet. I love my son, my special boy. He may be special needs, but I have a special need for him in my life.

Real Ronery...

On the movie, Team America, World Police, there is a song sung by the bad guy, I'm So Ronery. I feel that way now. We moved to a new state, got a house, meeting new people, yet our life seems to be going back to the way it was. I am at home all day, watching my son. The Man comes home for lunch, then leaves again, Dylan and I chill, then I lay him down for a nap. The man comes home, I wake up the boy, then make dinner and we all veg til it's time to give Dylan his bath and get ready for bed.

I know it doesn't help us being extremely broke at the moment. The move really killed our savings and credit card. This being said, we can't go out and do things. The Man's job as a military instructor is tiring. He doesn't want to do anything but have dinner and watch football or play his video game. Sometimes he doesn't even play with his son. Don't get me wrong he is a great Dad! He is amazing with Dylan. It's just that I am expected to do EVERYTHING with Dylan. From getting him juice to changing his diaper.

I need some friends, stat. I thought things were going well with Sean's supervisor, Kate. But, apparently she doesn't want to hang out or anything. Never gives me a call. She has a one year old, also named Dylan, whom she spends her time with and her husband.

Ok so this has turned out to be a boo-hoo whiney post about how miserable I am. I am sorry! Please don't go! I promise it'll get better. Wait, where are you going? Stop! Ok there you are.

OK I am done.. hehe.

Alas, Saturday...

Dylan and I are home alone today. My hubby had to pull dorm duty, which he is none to happy about. Dylan is watching Elmo and Misty and I are chilling in the computer room. I don't ever worry about leaving him 'alone'. There is nothing for him to get into, and he loves his movie. I sit here wide eyed in front of the computer, slowly scratching the skin off of my legs to keep them from itching. It works for a minute, but then feels worse. I think I am going to go take a bath in calamine lotion. I hate all of this itching. I dream of the first cold snap to kill all of those damned mosquitoes. It's just the ants I have to worry about then.

I guess I'll play City of Heroes for a bit.

Die all of you mother-humping bugs!

So, I have been slowly eaten alive by mosquitoes and ants lately. Texas is the breeding ground for biting, annoying, poisonous, gin-normous bugs. My legs and arms look like the beaches of Normandy after d-day. I am serious! My yard is covered in antish fox holes. This is WAR! As soon as we can afford it, or before I go crazy, I am going to buy some ant killer and kill the fuckers. Right now I am almost to the point of drowning them in gasoline and toasting them to hell. HAHA take that you monster ants! The reason I don't is because my yard is pretty and I don't want scorch marks. But a chick can only take so much. I will be keeping everyone in the loop of the Ant War. Stay tuned. Until then, always carry bug spray, those fuckers are everywhere.

I Hate it When the Man Decides to Quit Smoking...

So yea, the husband and I smoke, often. Every once in a while he gets a wild hair up his rectum to quit. So when Dylan and I are in the house, and he has a few days off in a row, he goes cold turkey. Not only do I have to do everything in the house, and take care of him, he is extremely cranky. He wants attention, but I am busy. If something needs to be done, guess who has to go do it. He lays in bed all day and grumbles and bitches.

We have a whole months worth of Chantix, which is a stop smoking medication. Does he take it? Nope. I think he likes to torture himself. I dunno. This rant is over.

Random Thoughts From My Past

When I was in high school, I had a very hard time. I was depressed, angry, lonely, and confused. I wish I could go back, and be the person I am now. Would life have turned out differently? If I was the happy-go-lucky, strong, funny, intelligent woman I am now back then, how would life had changed.

Things happen for a reason I believe. If I would have been different then, my life would not be the same now. I have dreams about High School all the time, scary and sad dreams. I am usually watching my old self in different situations and yelling at myself to react differently. My old self cannot hear the things I am trying to say.

Does this happen to others? I am sure it does. The Hindsight Complex maybe, to give it a name. I had few friends, and fewer enemies. I kind of drifted, and was never accepted the way I wanted to be. I was in love a few times, or so I thought. My teen-aged brain felt in love, but now that I know what real love is, I realize it was just infatuation.

I am so happy now. My life has gone in a good direction. I was in College, where I lost my identity. The Air Force, where I found myself. A civilian, dating a military man. A wife. A mother to a special needs child.

I am not the person I was, I am greatful for that. But, I wish I could return to that time, and show everyone who I really am.

I want to tell them, " See me, really look at me. Can you love me now? Can you accept me now? Can you give this lonely child a friend and confidante? Can you look beyond the hurt eyes and see the soul underneath?"

Maybe... maybe it is a good thing that I am so far away. If I were there now, as the person I am now, I would feel the same. Maybe distance has made me grow.

We will never know, I will never know. But it is always nice to dream, then wake up and face reality and smile.

God works in Mysterious Ways...

About 6 months ago, we had to put my cat, Brooklynn to sleep. She was suffering from feline lukemia. She was my baby, my sweetheart, my little love. She was silver grey, with orange markings. My favorite feature about her was an orange toe she had. Just one toe on her right foot. My husband and I called it her Lord of the Rings Toe. The descision to put her down was the hardest one I have ever had to do. Her and my other cat, Cheyanne were sisters of a sort, we both got them at the same time. Chey was Sean's cat, and Brookie was mine.

Flash forward to 6 months later. We move into our new house in Wichita Falls, Texas. Life is going wonderfully! My husband and I are sitting on the front porch when a kitty runs across the road. We both call to her and she meows back, pitifully. It takes about 5 minutes when she finally comes up to us. It was very dark and kind of foggy outside. So I run inside, grab some cat food and bring it to her. She immediately starts chowing down like she hasn't eaten in weeks.

Sean goes back into the house, and I stay outside watching her, meowing to her and she meows back to me. I finally feel that she will let me pet her and so I do. She instantly starts loving it! From the light of the garage, I can kind of see her coloring. It seemed to be dark grey with some lighter patches. This kind of perplexes me. I do an evaluation on her condition. Very skinny, and I could tell she was about 5 or six months old. I go to get Sean and he comes back outside to pet her as well.

He turns on the porch light and we both were floored. She was a silver grey with orange markings. The kicker was on her right foot, one toe was completely orange. Just like Brooklynn. We both couldn't believe it! It seems that my sweet baby girl was back, but in a new, healthy kitty body. This was 4 days ago and she has been around ever since. She takes off for a few hours but usually comes back.

We named her Misty, because of the fog that night. I almost wanted to call her Brooklynn 2. I know she isn't the same cat, but it seemed that God gave my family a second chance with my little darling. Thank you God, this means more to me than you know.

Well Hello There...

So you have found me. This is my little slice of the net, get comfy, you might be here a while. This is my adventures in boredom. So who am I, you are asking myself. Well wouldn't you like to know. I am a Mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a cousin, niece and other titles I forget, or refuse to acknowledge. Oh yea, I am a friend. That's important. So stay tuned for my life on net, my Adventures in life... love and of course Boredom.